merry happy joyful to you

certain holidays are more fun for me than others. I adore Christmas, I know a lot of people hate it, but I love the spirit of it. I enjoy finding a gift I know someone will love. I like all of the decorating. Plus I have super fond memories from childhood of this season.

Simply put I just like it as it makes me happy.

This year I was lucky enough to work jobs that were actually closed for the holidays(amazing)

and thus got to drive down to SD and spend some time with my family & friends.
I treasured this bit of time as life has been a bit crazy this past year. I am choosing to think of the holidays as a time for a fresh start...let's hope that 2010 has great new things in store.

hhmmm, yeah

So, in my last blog I mentioned that I created an online profile in the attempt to "put myself out there" and so far it is just amusing the heck out of me. I got the usual weird dude that was hey yumm yumm I want some (oh yeah he said that) and now a flirtatious lil 23 year old is wanting to go out. I don't know how I feel about a 15 year age gap, but the boy is kinda cute....lol. The main word there is boy, so young. We shall see what happens, but if nothing else it gives me a good laugh at a time when due to health crap I could use them!

I will keep you updated on the latest and greatest of my online dating adventures.

getting out there

So, I will be the first to admit that I am bad at putting myself out there as far as dating goes.

The town in which I live is extremely small and while I love my lil shangri-la the dating pool here is more like a kiddie wading pool than anything else.

Being in close proximity to a college town really doesn't help matters either as I know I am a good bit older than half the boys we will see when we head out to the bars in town.

So, just how do you get out and meet people? Well, if you are me and tired of hearing from your friends that you have been single for much too long...you sign up on an online dating site and hope for the best.

Yes, I joined the cyber dating revolution this am.

I have tried Match.com before and all my matches were out of the area(which I was all like...HELLO, the point is to meet people near you right?)

This time I went for the free site, plentoffish.com.

There actually seems to be decent guys on there from profiles I have browsed through already. I need to find a couple of good (realistic also) pics to post and make my intro a bit longer, but I did start it.

Who knows what it could bring, but if I got a new friend or two out of it then great.

I'll keep you posted on the events that follow!

gobble gobble

Had a lovely Thanksgiving meal today, very much on the low key side. Went to my dad's to eat with him & his girlfriend. K cooked up a turkey, smashers, gravy and I brought over rolls, a corn casserole & pie. We watched some football, ate some good food and shared some good conversation. It was amongst the least stressful holidays I have had in recent years and I love that! Hope everyone had as good a day as me.

play day

I treated myself to a play day yesterday and went thrift store shopping. I haven't been doing that as I am trying very hard to stick to a tight budget right now.
I spent $30 yesterday and got a fabulous, funky ocean painting in a great vintage frame, a punch bowl still in it's original box, some books (as I have a small book addiction) and a few frames that I will be personalizing for my holiday gift giving.

I absolutely love hunting through things that others no longer want and imagining stories of who they might have belonged to. Personally I love that the majority of furniture I own has come from thrift stores or garage sales. I have spent less money and gotten items that speak to me in some way. My style is eclectic to be certain, things I like might not be the things others like, however since they are for me alone it doesn't matter.

To me my house is a reflection of who I am, it shows all aspects of my personality from the girly to the goofy. I treasure all of my pictures as they reflect places I have traveled and people I love. To me the ultimate compliment is someone telling me how comfortable they feel in my home. It is my haven from the world and if others feel even a portion of that then I have done something right.

things to be thankful for

So, it is that time of year when we think of all the things we are thankful for.

the obvious come to mind when you sit down for that big family meal; family, friends and their support.

Here are some things I am thankful for right now in my life.

The people who while not blood related to me are my family.

A & B for the amazingly wonderful people they are. There are so many little things they do that make them so dear do me, letting me drop in to stay the eve before I fly out to visit other friends, dropping me off at the fly away or picking me up from LAX. Above all of that I would not have my sweet little cherry darling if it were not for them & each day as I drive that lil car I think of their generosity.

One of the highlights of my week is my phone chat with A, we catch up on all of the big & little details of our lives and even when we talk about nothing I feel better for it.

D in CO for flying me out to visit when I really needed an attitude adjustment. She knew that I was going thru a hard time in my life and helped me out by just being her. The perspective and love that she shares with me on a daily basis helps keep me sane.

DJ S for being my partner in crime here in crazyville, sometimes I just need to hang out with someone who understands the ups & downs to this sweet lil town in which we live. She gets that while I can be a girly girl I love a good football game, as does she, and can toss back the drinks as well as some of the boys we know. I thank her ex and my brother's ex for allowing us to have met and become friends, just shows good things can come out of the bad.

DK, even though we have had a very rocky year and are still working towards what we once had I am happy to have you in my life. You were there through so many major life moments with me and I truly cannot imagine my life without you in it.

My brother, mom and dad of course for being the individuals they are and for helping me when I need it.

Each one brings something different and special to my life.

I really am the person I am today because of the people who surround me.

This past year and these people have made me into the person I am right now and each day are giving me the love and support to keep growing.

I am thankful for my two obs.

I love working at each of them as they are like little families.

For the first time in many years I actually look forward to going to work.

My sweet lil house by the sea, it is a constant work in progress, but it is my home & sanctuary.

The fact that there is food in fridge, a roof over my head and money to pay for all of these.

I am truly blessed to be living this life and having the chance to share it with all of you.

much love

try, try, and try again

I am learning that you truly do not know what you are capable of until you try.

I tend to underestimate myself and my own ability to accomplish things. In the past I let myself get frustrated at certain struggles and even found that I would quit at some things because of this. Now I am trying to push past what others might think of my attempts and do it for myself. I might not succeed, but I feel much better for the efforts.

This past year has brought a series of changes in my life, some small, some larger, but I am finding the person I want to be along this journey.

I feel emotionally and mentally stronger than I was at this same time last year. The people that are in my life are here for a reason, I should take freely what they give to me and embrace the effects they have upon my life.

In all honesty I feel we should make the world a better place for being in it. This is a simple concept really, what little things can you do to enhance the world around you.

Can you take a moment to recycle that bottle of water when you are done enjoying it?

Will you smile at a stranger to brighten their day?

Make a friend smile by calling, emailing or texting them out of the blue, just so they know they were thought of?

All of these things make our world better in minute ways, yet they cost us very little in the way of money, time or effort.

Think about what things you can do in your own circle to create a better world for you and yours.

be thankful...

I had an interesting experience today. I was at the second of my two jobs which is waitress in a small family restaurant. We had a mere 15 minutes until closing, it had been a VERY slow evening and I was feeling slightly sorry for myself at not making much in the way of tips. I heard the door open and in wanders a homeless man, hard to tell his age as he just looked worn, if you know what I mean. If I had to guess I would say in his 40's, but he could have been as young as 30. Anyway he asks how much coffee is and I said we had none, but I could brew a pot & it was $1.75. He then asked for a cup of water and I gave it to him in a to go cup as I wasn't sure if he was staying. He proceeded to sit at a booth and eat some sugar off of a spoon while drinking some water. I didn't talk to him much, but let him sit as it was cold outside. After about 15 minutes he left, thanking me for letting him come in. I had put a couple of rolls and some butter in a to go box, but then my boss came & I wasn't sure how he would feel about it, so I ended up not giving it to the man and just taking it home.
Then as I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from this experience I encountered another homeless person, this time a young pregnant woman sitting by the carts outside of the local Ralph's. She asked if I had a spare dollar or two & I told her I would see what I had after buying my groceries. I knew I would be giving her money, but I only had twenty dollar bills and as much as I would like to help that is more than I could afford. So, after purchasing my couple of items I went out and gave her a few dollars and offered her the rolls, which she said would be nice.
Now, I know her sitting there could be a scam, I gave her $4 and saw another guy also giving her a few, but I have to trust my gut and feel like I was helping someone who needed it. It made me be ever so thankful for the money I did make this evening. It might not have been as much as I wanted, but it was enough for what I needed to get on my way home. (milk & oj)
We sometimes need to be reminded to stop and appreciate what is in our lives. I know that while my life has been hard this past year from being laid off, which brought major changes & upsets within my life, I had the support of my family and friends. I didn't lose my adorable rental house, or my car. I had a roof over my head, food in my fridge and the basic necessities to live. I have cut back on extras, I rarely go out to eat. I do not have cable or go to the movies often ( thank heavens for netflix!)
I learned to live on even tighter of a budget than ever before and through it I feel like I became a better person. I hope that the next time you see a homeless person on the street you take a moment to be thankful for all you do have and if possible find a way to give back.

bleh

been a bit irritated with some people and things of late, thus not in the mood to blog much. also woke up today with a bit of a headache and a stuffy nose, I sound like crap & so had to get my shift covered as I sound too yucky to serve food. life is just grand...

flirting

Halloween night it seems as become a night to dress in slutty costumes and find people to flirt with. I spent this eve at work, then off to my local bar to hang with some friends where I did a small amount of flirting with a guy I know. He is a sweet guy, but not relationship material. He has a way though of making you feel like you are special at that moment. I like that feeling and it makes me miss getting out there more.

africa hot

The last couple of days have been ever so hot here. Like Africa hot. I am not one who enjoys the heat in case you couldn't tell. My sweet lil house also has no insulation or AC so when it gets hot outside it gets HOT inside. I don't sleep well when it is hot, not that I sleep so well the rest of the time, but still. I have this odd quirk of liking it to be cold when I sleep, so when it is hot I have a hard time sleeping. Part of the problem is that I like a blanket over me, it is part of my little routine...and when it is hot it is not possible to have a cover on without sweating.
I used to have a comfy couch in the living room that enabled me to sleep under the window fan when it got this hot. My new couch is comfy for sitting & short naps, but all night it would be hard on the back for sure. Hopefully this bit of heat will be passing quickly, I for one am ready for sweater weather!

did you ever?

Have you ever played this game?
One person asks "did you ever?" and you respond if you have.
It can be a silly drinking game, one in which to get to know people better or just plan strange. I remember playing it in college while dating a boy and learning some things about him that made me not want to be dating him anymore.
I don't miss dating, but I do miss some of the good things about the act of being in the dating world. The flutters you get inside when you have your first kiss with a boy you like. The point which you get comfortable enough with the one you are dating to stay in and watch a movie in your pjs with no make up. Having them meet your friends for the first time & waiting to hear if they approve?
I watch the good and bad of my friends relationships and most of the time I am ever so happy being single. There are times though that I wish for those feelings again. Then there are times that I feel like being in a relationship would make me lose some of my fiercely fought for independence.
I think back fondly on my past and the men & boys who made my love life so interesting. These people helped shape who I am today, for good or bad. They made me want to not settle and date someone just for the sake of being a couple. They gave me confidence in myself to make choices that might hurt at the time, but are best in the long run. They are in the past for a reason, but they have not been forgotten.

bleh

I woke up feeling not quite 100% and debated finding someone to work my shift. Then I got a phone call from my dad telling me of the loss of one of our family. A sad and senseless accident that took away a daughter, sister, mother and cousin from our family. The sky is grey and cloudy today and suits my mood. I have calls into a couple of my co-workers as I honestly don't think I could fake the happiness I would need tonight for my shift.

reunion

This week I had my 20th high school reunion. I debated whether or not to go in the first place as most of my group from hs choose not to attend. In the end I decided I was interested in seeing the changes of the people with whom I went to school.
Back in the day I had a small group of friends that I hung out with at my school, but I never was into any activities or even dated anyone who went to my school.
At the last minute I decided to take my best friend, with whom I have been having some problems of late, as we knew many of the same people and I thought it would be a fun way for us to be together once again. It was a great evening in the end, though I will bring much comfier shoes in the future for such events!
I saw and talked to a few people from hs that I was interested in catching up with and also some that to be honest I didn't even remember. We took silly pictures, danced and drank way too much wildcat juice. All in all it was a great evening and I look forward to the 30th.

changes

I made a decision that this life I live is pretty darn good, but like most people

I feel there are many things I could change.

I have always said that if you don't like something....then change it.

So, on that note I am going to make an effort to improve the areas in which I feel I could use it. I love my friends and where I live, but the dating pool here is more like a wading pool. I also have a long list of house & garden projects that I had lots of time for with my semi unemployed state, but very little money. Thanks to my new job this is changing, happily I look forward to doing some of this grunt work as it is fun for me.

The next big thing is my health. I need to place more of a priority on my eating & exercise habits. I have a goal of being in better a financial & physical place by the time I am 40.

(this gives me 2 years to reach my final goals)

My short term health goal is to be eating more fruits & veggies, less processed foods and to lose 10% of my body weight. I am so not going to be posting my #'s on this blog.

(you guys can feel free to cheer me on, but you don't need to actually know my weight,lol)

so, here is to starting to better the rest of my life...

um, yeah

So, I kinda suck at this updating of the blog action. I have been super busy of late with the new job and now a fabulous out of state vacay. I do have things to say, but there really has been a major lack of free time. Promise to be a bit better and get on at least once a week....maybe?
haha

no comment

AAAGGGGHHHH

Seriously bothers me when you get an apology that has hints of accusation in it. I am no longer going to apologize for how and what I feel. I think we are all entitled to our feelings. You are only responsible for yourself. You can't help how you feel and should never feel bad for them. The thing I have learned in this past year is that people can share how they feel, but you can do nothing about how other people receive it. So, I can't control what is being sent my way, but only my thoughts & feelings I get from them.

I will say along with this that I have learned to swallow back lots of things I would love to say. I feel like some of them would be good for me to say, but have either no effect or a negative effect upon the other person so what is the point. I might feel better, but would it help the situation...no.

if you haven't lived it...

I find that most people who go out to eat have never worked in a restaurant, but have very high expectations for how those employees should work. I got involved in a couple of discussions on tipping policies with friends over the past few days. Most people feel that a tip is something to be earned. I am OK with that idea for the most part. We should be providing you with the chance to get food and drinks brought to you in a timely manner and be what you wanted. However, we are not slaves or servants. Ask us, do not tell us, and you will find you get faster & happier service. After all we are people too.
As for what percent you tip...well all I can say is the "norm" these days is 15% at least. Our fabulous government taxes us on 10% of our sales, thus if you decide we were not up to your standards and leave less than that 10% we are actually losing money on your table.
I will say I find most people to be fair in their tipping. I have only a couple of times in my 20+ years within the industry not gotten a tip at all (being stiffed as we call it) and rarely get 10% there are times though.
There are those who say get a "real" job. I honestly can not tell you how much that bothers me. Being a server is a real job. It has both good and bad sides to it. Great flexibility, people and money. The people and money can be negatives at times too.
I left serving for a while, did back of the house and management duties only to find I worked harder for less money. I got more respect from people in saying I was a floor manager, but got more stress, hours and no more money. I will take the negative of being a server as for me the positive completely out ways it.

feast or famine

really it is one or the other.
I have been treading along of late with my 2 part time jobs (20 or so hours per week between them) that still didn't pay me enough to be able to go off of my supplemental unemployment of the past 7 months. Now, I got a serving job that is 3 shifts (yippee!) and thus gave notice at my bookkeeping gig. So, now at the moment I have 3 jobs, though it will be down to 2 in about 2 weeks. Having said this I also got a call back from another restaurant I applied to last week looking for a server. If the hours were for the ones I have open I might be interested. It would be like working one full time job, just divided by 3 jobs...haha. The cool thing is that as of 2 weekends from now I will have Sundays as my one full day off from all jobs! Just in time for football...woot woot! yeah, I am that girl.
So, I will keep you updated but for now I am back in the world of waiting tables and smiling for tips : )

twice in one day?

Social networking is good and bad. Sites like Facebook & twitter can keep you updated on the dramas and celebrations of those you know. It can also make you feel like you are back in high school all over again. I logged on this weekend to FB only to find that I couldn't access a couple of friends profiles. One did not show up at all, the other just didn't show up to me. I guess I got dropped! Now, I wonder, did this person decide to not have me as their friend due to events going on that they didn't want me to know about? Or did they just clean their page and thought, we never talk...bye bye. Who knows. The other profile is back today, so maybe FB was being crazy or perhaps the person did some adjusting of their page. Not quite sure. All I do know is that this site is currently the only contact I have with some people and that is a bit sad to me. While I applaud the being able to get in contact with people from hs, old coworkers and family that lives all over the world I wish that some of those I am closer to would make more effort to pick up the phone rather than sending me a flower, drink or tacky 80's gift on FB. Maybe I want too much from people. I also prefer to talk on the phone rather than text. I think texting should be for small things like I'll be there in 20 or do you need something from the store? Not hearing about the death of someone you know. (oh yeah got news this way in the past year)
Maybe I am not embracing the digital age as well as others, but I think we are losing a bit of the personal touch with all of this technology. I miss hour long phone talks with my friends and emails that contained more than jokes. Don't even get me started on the seemingly lost concept of letter writing.

been a while

I have had many a thought to write about on here, but a severe lack of time or desire to actually write them. It has been a long couple of weeks of fighting a lovely summer cold, helping friends to celebrate the anniversaries of their birth and working in order to be able to keep the roof over my head for another month.
The weather turned in the last couple of days also from glorious warm weather to grey gloomy fog which drags my mood further south. I like most people on this earth intensely dislike being sick. I love that I can sit at home in my sweats today and wallow in my not feeling 100%
I woke up this am with my eyes quite red and puffy due to the smoke in the air & allergies, not the best look for anyone. I feel better than I have for the last couple of days, but in my typical pattern I am sounding & looking even worse!
On the positive side of things I got a unexpected windfall from my neighbor for keeping an eye out on their house and cat this past month. Then on top of that I found $20 while walking to the post office. I just might treat myself to sushi today or tomorrow to celebrate, as I was good and paid 2 bills first so I feel like a little splurge is allowed.
For now I am off to watch season 2 of Pushing Daisies and relax.

late night thoughts

OK, so it's not so late, but still...

I hate when people tell you one thing, but yet their actions speak a different tale.
To most the old adage actions really do speak louder than words really does apply.
If you say I matter to you, make some modest amount of effort at least.
Try telling me things, anything, as long as it is not a lie.
Just as I should do with you.
Be there when I need you, not just when it is fun for you to be there for me.
Let me be there for you, not just when it is comfortable for you to need me.
This is what relationships are all about.
It is not about right and wrong.
Nor is is about who can spend the most money.
Or the amount of time you can carve out of your life.
It is about letting people into your life, sharing the good, the bad and all the crap that can fall between.
It is about knowing when it is time to step back, but also when that step is moving a little bit to far away.
It is about truth, ugly as it might be.
It is about caring enough to tell people your secrets and stories that made you into the amazing person you are today.

Where is this coming from you might ask.
Not where you might think!
This is not a remark on the dramas of some of my friendships of late, though there is truths within what I just wrote which can apply there.
In a conversation I had with a dear friend today I realized there was obviously things from my past I had not shared with her. Now I consider this woman to be quite a dear friend, who has shared many a adventure, moments of sadness as well as joy. However she didn't know about a certain rocky dark period within my past.
I am not trying to be cryptic in mentioning it this way, but rather it is intensely personal and I don't wish to share in such a public manner at this time.

What it showed me though is as close as we can be, there are things we might not want to share.
We have so many facets of ourselves, that sometimes we forget that someone hasn't seen a certain side to us. The beauty of a good friendship is that eventually that other person does get to see the complete beauty that is you.
I am well aware of my flaws and am learning to embrace them. The events that I experience make me the person I am today and will become in the future. I should strive to be as amazing as I am told I am by my lovely friends. I should want the best for myself as much as I do for those I care about.

proud

When I was little all I wanted in life was to tag along after my big brother. He seemed so much bigger, stronger, smarter and fearless than me when we were small. There is almost 3 years between us and to be truthful it wasn't until we were both out of school and on our way into adulthood before we became friends. We have made up for that in recent years and I count him among those that would be there as quick as they could if I needed them.

He and I have both had a rough time this past 12 months or so. He moved away to live with his girlfriend an the job situation has been less than ideal.

The situation with his GF turned into a bad one on many levels, but I have to say I am exceptionally proud of the man he has become.

He stood by her through some serious issues, in spite of the fact that they personally were not in as good of a place as they had been. Then he had the strength and self confidence to leave when it was apparent it would not work. So, I applaud him for being a good man who knows when to give the help that is needed, but also when it is the right time to walk away.

I love you brother of mine.

more of the same

I feel like of late I have written quite a lot about life and friendships.

The reason is of course that my life, as is the case of many of my friends has been a bit rough in the past year.

What has come out of it is that I have gained some perspective on

what I want from my life.

I first and foremost want to be happy.

This will take me making some changes to a few portions of my life. I live in an amazing place. I have a cute house of perfect size for me, but slightly over run with too much in the way of personal belongings.To put it in perspective people pay for a weekend here what I pay to live in my house for a month!

On the job front I am not working enough to challenge myself or to get ahead.

So, I am looking to find a job that I can enjoy and make enough to slowly

get back to a "happy" financial place.

Next in order of importance is having people in my life who want to be there. In the past 3 months I have had two friends that were dear to me stop communicating to me due to what is going on in their lives. While I understand needing space, when you talk to other friends and include them within your life, but not me it does hurt. I am not by any means saying I am the best friend in the world, but I feel that if people are important to you then you need to let them know.

All in all for me it comes back to two things:

Treat others as you would have them do to you.

Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you will be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

So,I am making the changes that will make me a happier person. In doing so I may find even more to appreciate in life!

trying...

So, I am trying to understand what is going on, but it is hard when I am not a part of your life.

What would you think if you were me.

Seeing pictures that tell conflicting stories.

Not getting to talk to you. Not even being a part of your life while so much is going on. You would think things also. You would wonder.

Perhaps not, after all everyone has opinions, maybe I am reading too much or too little into it. All I know is there is a little piece of my heart that has been beat up in past months. There is a person who I normally would just pick up the phone and call, but I am no longer sure if my voice is a welcome one.

Sad, but true.

I look around me and there are pictures of us and fun times together. Items that came from you. You are so ingrained in my life that it is impossible to have you be gone from it forever, yet you are missing. I am lost as to where to go from here. How hard to try anymore. I feel as if the next action is yours. You were the one who choose to leave my circle, it is your choice on if you want to come back in...

being a grownup is over rated

When you are little all you want is to be an adult. There are so many things you want to do and so many places you want to go. We want to be able to drive, to drink, live on your own. The rules that our parents and society place upon us seem so stifling in our youth. Then you get to be an adult and realize that there is a whole lot of responsibility that comes along with the freedom. To drive you have to have money for the car, insurance and gas. Drinking can be fun, but there is also things to think of such as driving under the influence or impaired dating judgement. Living on your own is great, but there are so many small costs you never think of when you go to move out for the first time. Rent, gas, electricity, water, trash, food, cable, phone...and on and on.

Aside from all of these things our friendships were much simpler when we were little.

They are based on what toys you both liked, the street on which you lived, your parents being friends or a shared love of hopscotch. As an adult you juggle your own personal duties of life with the bonds of friendship you form. Lives turn into different directions as we grow older. We go to school, date, get married, have children and slowly evolve into different people. If you are lucky your friendships can survive this and grow into something deeper and even better than it had been. In other cases time slowly shows you how little you had in common in the first place.

I have friends I have known since we were barely out of diapers and ones I have met in the past year. The ones that are closest to my heart are ones that have made as much effort with me as I have with them. They can tell by the sound of my voice when I leave a message if they should call me back immediately. They are the kind of friends that will call you to repeat a stupid joke or think of you when they see something you might like.

It is not the length of the friendship, but rather the depth.

Thanks to my girls that are in my life...I love you!

and now we wait...

Saw a nurse practitioner today that I must say rocked! Made the visit as painless as she could & listened to my concerns and questions. Nice to know that what I am worried about is indeed not a normal thing. Getting a few tests run tomorrow (liver function, thyroid & glucose) to see if we can figure things out. Also on a health plan that covers all but one of the tests (thanks state of CA) as I am so poor due to my lay off of last December. I feel so much better for getting some information already and talking to someone who seems concerned enough to work with me on it.
Bonus too in that the office is right next to a great whole foods type of market, lots of yummy healthy stuff. Now off to grab a bite as I need to fast for 12 hours before these tests & I plan on doing them asap tomorrow am!

oh I have worries...

I have an appointment tomorrow with the doctor to see if the stuff going on with my body is anything to really worry about. The problem with the information age is that you can look up your symptoms on webmd and get more scared by what you see then to be reassured. In my case it could be anything from simple stomach cramps due to food irritations or up to the big C, cancer. Now, just to be clear I don't think I have cancer ( knocking on wood here ) but the idea of it being anything serious scares me on many levels. The main reason being that I have no health insurance due to my job situation. It is the first time in about 7 years that this has been a factor. Then there is just the basic fear of the unknown. I actually am looking forward to this visit as it will give me answers. So, tonight I will watch season 2 of Secret Diary of a Call Girl. I have a small girl crush on Billie Piper...plus this season has Callum Blue (of Dead Like Me fame) who is H~O~T. Great mindless, fun to watch TV, just what I need.

oh I have words...

I have a lot of words for you, but let's start of with just one.

Lie.

That is what you did right to my face.

I asked you a question and expected an honest answer, after all haven't we been friends for long enough that we would share it all, the good and the bad? Well, guess I was wrong on many levels.

Lots of people in my life are trying to make excuses for how and why you are doing what you are doing. I have none for you. I love you and you will always be in my heart, but that doesn't change how I am feeling right now.

I am mad.

I am hurt.

I want to know so many things.

Did you think I would judge you?

Did you know on some level that what you were doing was not entirely good in the eyes of others?

I do not know...nor to be honest do I care.

You have made me look at our whole long friendship and wonder if there was ever the depth that I thought there was. Do you even know how deeply you have hurt me?

The stupid tears I have shed for you and the loss of our relationship.

I would love to say I am done, but I can't stop caring about you.

Do I love you? Yes.

Do I respect you right now? No.

Will we make it through this? I don't know.

I hope the best for you. I wish you happiness and joy in all aspects of your life.

I can't thank you enough for all of our good times and I curse you for the bad.

I could say more, but what is the point.

I have shed my tears, vented my anger and you were not there for any of it.

I am...

confused, tired, happy, sad, angry, emotional, crazy, joyful, amazed...I am everything.
I haven't written in the past couple of weeks as I have had so much going on. I got another part time job...woohoo! Between the two jobs I work almost 25-30 hours...haha. I am happy to have a job I enjoy once more as it has been a while. It is working in a used bookstore that I have been going to for almost 20 years. Fun and not mentally hard, but it is much more sociable than the other part time gig. Makes me appreciate what things are good about working, but it is making me not like my other job much also. So, therefore the hunt is on for a serving or bar tending gig to get the social aspect I crave & also to get me back to making more money. I feel like I just can't get ahead and I really dislike just getting by. Trying to decide what and where I want to be in my life in the next year. My long term goal (besides just being happy) is to be out of debt and in better shape by the time I am 40 ( got just over 2 years for that!)
Having some very strange health stuff going on also, but hoping to be told at the doc this week that it is all normal strange stuff...we shall see. Not much to say really, just thought I would update on the small things...

half full, half empty

I have had a tough past year, but who hasn't? Seriously half the people I know are unemployed or having some serious changes going on in their lives. I know that in the long run I will be ok...I really do! It is just there are times right now where it is really hard to see that light at the end of this long ole tunnel.
I had a great vacation in CO. I came home giving major thought to moving there. Reality of the situation is that with my state of semi-unemployment I just can't afford to. I hate that for the first time since I moved out to be "an adult" that I have been living from check to check. There is absolutely no getting ahead or extra fun stuff as the money is just not there.
I am trying to appreciate the good things I do have in my life. Taking walks on the beach to enjoy the beauty that is where I live. Spending time with friends as they are precious to me. Cleaning out the clutter that is taking over my small cottage by the sea.
Small steps to try and get out of this funk.
In searching for something to cheer me up I came across a qoute by George Carlin;
“Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.”

vacations are amazing...

First of all, I have some issues with flying; I basically expect to die each time I get on a plane and am always quite happy to land safely upon the ground. I know all of the stats of how a car is more dangerous, blah, blah, blah, but I still think it is not natural. This said I sometimes have panic attacks or get ill when flying and am ever so happy to say this was not the case on this flight! It was a roller coaster last 20 minutes, but I felt fine...woohoo. Let's hope for the same on the way home...
Having a blast spending time with my friends soon to be 1 year old (played nanny for the 2 days she had to work while I was here) and we got a little girl time last eve. Went to a local Trattoria and had some wine and pasta...lovely. Tomorrow is a girls day, a friend is going to watch lil Lemon (yes, that is a nickname) while we shop, eat and visit to our hearts content.
I honestly love this area of Colorado and could even see myself living here. Who knows if things don't get better in the working world in CA maybe I'll pack it in and move eastwards.
Anyways not much to write, but wanted to check in with the rest of the world for a few.

vacation, say what?

I get to run away on Monday for 5 glorious days thanks to a dear friend. She has been there for me with all of the dramas going on in my life of late and thought I needed a get away (um hell yeah) so she got me a ticket to fly out and see her. My work gave me a couple extra days off and away I go...YIPPEE. Can you tell I am excited? Now I just need to stop playing and get packed.

nerding out...

I guess this was my week for having nerdy moments. Yesterday I posted and celebrated Towel Day (go Douglas Adams) and today I am watching a movie that is once again channeling my inner nerd.
For every nerd & geek that ever loved Star Wars go rent or buy FanBoys. It is hilarious! The story is as follows...
They've waited patiently for years for the release of Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace. But when one of their own discovers he's terminally ill, a group of pals embarks on a road trip to Skywalker Ranch to steal the long-anticipated film. Sam Huntington, Chris Marquette, Dan Fogler, Jay Baruchel and Kristin Bell star in director Kyle Newman's labor of geek love. Star Wars alums Billy Dee Williams, Carrie Fisher and Ray Park make cameos.
The nerdy references abound in this comedy and I was ever so amused by it.
With all of the other stressful things in my life I love that I could let go and laugh today.

things to smile at

I am going to Colorado to see one of my best girlfriends!!!!
To say that I need this mini vacay is a serious understatement. My friend said she would love to get me out there as I obviously need to get away & she offered to help me out with the plane fare. We worked out a bit of a deal as I will play nanny one of the 2 days she will have to work while I am there and watch her little one for 8 hours. I found an amazing deal on a flight round trip from LAX for less than $200. So, with my boss being nice enough to let my coworker cover my shifts for a couple of days I am free to fly away. What is funny is I will have 6 days off than go back to work 7 in a row...haha. I am doing a little happy dance right now. Life has turned a corner to the sunny side of the street~LOL.

she said, I say

So, I have blogged a bit here and there lately about some drama I was experiencing. Basically a person I thought I was very close to is going through a period of intense change and feels that it is best to not talk to those around her. This is a person I would have said I knew quite a lot about and yet due to all of this it is as if I don't even know her. There is a bit of passive-aggressive behavior going on also in her not responding. It is ok for this person to leave cryptic posts on FB about how people aren't supporting her happiness, but not ok to actually communicate so we can know about it? I honestly give.
To me this just reeks of selfishness and game playing. If you want others to understand what you are going through you must share the experiences...how else can they understand. I will say that at this point it is not about taking sides, being supportive or even happiness. It is about if this person values our friendship or not. In talking to other friends who know both of us I was told that she feels sad about our distance right now. If that is true then act upon it. Pick up the phone or send a text, an email...something. The longer it goes on with no connection the thinner that thread becomes.
I also found out that a dear friend I have known forever is having serious medical issues & is facing the possibility of a pacemaker at 40 due to them. I sat down and thought about all of this and realized I know exactly why I am not sleeping, having migraines and generally feeling run down. It is all of this stress of other people around me. I need to make sure that while I am supportive of them, that I also take time for myself. I have reached out to some of my other close friends and had great conversations. I appreciate so greatly the amazing friends I have made and continue to nurture & cherish them. In times of adversity they are always there to lift my spirits, help me to see another side and just care about me.
I love them!

happy towel day

for more details on what this worldwide event is about & how people all over the world are celebrating!
TOWEL DAY

In honor of this holiday that celebrates the life and works of Douglas Adams I will be releasing a book of his today. People all over the world celebrate this fun holiday...all you need is a towel.
The original quote that referenced the greatness of towels is found in Chapter 3 of Adams' work The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

“ A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar ”

so lovely

This was the first Memorial weekend in 6 years that I got to relax and enjoy the 3 day weekend fully. I no longer work within the beach side town in which I live, thus could relax on the beach and smile at all of the tourists who paid to enjoy what I have everyday. The big beer & music festival once again brought out a multitude of crazy, even some of whom I know. It is the ones I don't that worry me. For example the guy who knocked on my back door on Friday eve wanting to come in and look around. He was under the idea that his brother might have lived here in college. I am thinking he was drunk and confused. Why do I say that you wonder? Well, it might be that he had a beer in each hand when he came to the door. Or it could have been that I have lived here for 11 years and the people who lived here prior to that were here for 15 years. This guy wasn't that old so I am guessing he was a wee bit confused.
I retreated to the local watering hole to hang out with the scary drunk people I already know. This weekend draws a lot of former residents and coworkers back for the fun thus I enjoyed catching up with those that I saw. I watched my friends play volleyball on the beach yesterday afternoon while we waited for the town to quiet down a bit. Today after my short work day I came home and dealt with friend drama (yes it is still going on) and decided to open the windows to hear the music and let all of my stress drop away. Tomorrow is a BBQ and more volleyball. Life is good.

things to do when you are not sleeping

As previously mentioned I suffer from the occasional bout of insomnia. They usually occur when I have a high stress level in my life which at the moment is quite low, thus I am not sure what the fun reason is now. All I know is I am averaging about 4 hours a sleep a night for the past 3 nights...and this is not consecutive hours either mind you. On the plus side of this I am getting through my mountain that is my To Be Read pile of books.
I read JEN LANCASTER'S
Great memoir "such a pretty fat or why pie is not the answer"
This book amused me on many levels, not the least of which is how she views the gym and WW meetings. An example of why I loved this book is this blurb from the back cover:
"To whom the fat rolls...I'm tired of books where a self-loathing heroine is teased to the point where she starves herself skinny in hopes of a fabulous new life. And I hate the message that women can't possibly be happy until we all fit into our skinny jeans. I don't find these stories uplifting:they make me want to to hug these women and take them out for fizzy champagne drinks and cheesecake and explain to them that until they figure out their insides, their outsides don't matter."
She has a healthy & hilarious outlook that made me want to get moving for the right reasons.

Another good one I finished off last evening was DEBRA GINSBERG'S book
Waiting, which is part memoir part social commentary. This book is a great read for any of us who have ever worked within the service industry. Sometimes you read a book and have those aha moments, this book did that for me. The common view is that people who work within this industry are all on their way to something else, waiting for the rest of their life to happen. I thought it was a funny, moving and accurate.
Then of course there is always the time killer that is Facebook and it multitude of games. I am quite addicted to Bewejeled Blitz myself. Alas many of my friends are also, thus my addiction is fueled by trying to top their high scores. Well, off for an attempt at an afternoon nap as most likely I'll be up most of the night once again.

tivo for the brain

Do you ever wish their was a rewind button on your brain?

I mean we all have these great thoughts, or sometimes thoughts we think are great when we are drunk.

(see texts from last night website for example)

For me it is often late at night as I am lying in bed and have a great thought run through my head. It could be anything from a reply I should have said in response to some one's words to me or a fabulous sentence for the book that I am wishing to write. It is times like these that a tivo like device for our brains would come in handy. Crazy big brother-1984 type thought I know, but can you see how handy it would be. You could record a moment to play over and over again. You could pull that random thought or sentence up when you are fully conscious....it would be great. Of course I could just put a note pad by my bed and write it down when it comes to me, but hello-way too easy & practical!

Though our brains are amazing things and at times can pull those crazy thoughts back up. I had one such great phrase come to me the other evening as I lay in bed drifting off into lala land. I actually remembered it today, of course I remembered it while I was driving so I couldn't write it down, but still I remembered! I am sure if I concentrate real hard it might even come back once more.

So, now off to put a bit of time in typing away at my never ending start to my novel/short story collection. I think if I ever manage to finish I would be amazed. Of course I read all of these other amazing books and semi despair of writing anything half as good, but I am working on my confidence issues....really.

on the bright side?

I had my first taste of repair to my "new" car yesterday. My sweet little cherry darling just turned 2...and yes I do name my cars, doesn't everyone? I don't drive much and tend to be good about the basic maintenance so having my tire blow out while running into town early yesterday evening pretty much sucked. I heard that my car sounded odd, then the feel of it changed quickly. I got into the slow lane and cruised onto the shoulder. In doing so I attempted to pull off as far as I could as I was pretty sure it was my front driver's side tire...and hey what do you know I was right! I called my dad as to be honest it was not a place I wanted to try and change a tire at, though I can do that chore.

My dad said he would be there shortly so I sat back and tried to relax. I will say that in all my times of breaking down (and there have been a few over the years) I have never had a CHP stop. I can no longer say that...he did stop at least. The guy asked me if I had help coming & said he would check back on his next loop. I thought about trying to pull further forward to the exit which wasn't too far ahead, but I didn't want to screw with my rim.

This ended up being a good call!

So, my pop comes and after a bit of searching we find all we need to get that dead tire off. Turns out my fancy new baby has a wheel lock on her tires so that they can't be stolen. Who knew there was such things...when you own old piece of crap cars you don't have that. My dad had parked his car a bit further out, but traffic was still ugly close. All of those valley folk pulling their rigs of camping & dune toys came very close to us.

The thing that bugged me is here is a car on the side of the road, getting a tire changed on the side where traffic is. You can see the flashers and are in the slow lane with no one in the fast lane, but do you move over...oh no you don't. Heaven forbid you think of others...crazy talk!

And to the ones who did move, thanks : )

The car comes with one of those small spares, so I drove back home quite slowly & carefully. This am my pops came back and took my tire and rim into town, paid for 2 new ones, brought one out to the house & installed it. Then drove the car into town to get the other tire. When all was said and done it cost me a mere $100 and 3 hours of my dad's time. No charge for labor or time...love that. Bless my savings for having enough in it to cover this.

And that is the bright side...pop could and did help, had the money and a day free to take care of it. Plus now having 2 fresh new tires on my car it can go for miles and miles...LOL

not so good at this...

I just noticed in posting the last blog that it had been almost two weeks between posts. Luckily I think I have only about 3 people who even read this so I am not disappointing many when I don't write. I guess life has just been a bit busier than I thought in the past weeks. I have a lot of things going on within my circle of friends and family that is keeping my head spinning. I thought about blogging on some of it, but it is all quite personal and gets hard to be general enough to not upset those who might be involved.
The high & low points are as follows.
I am semi not speaking to a very close friend as we have differing views on what our friendship should entail.
My brother is amazing for being a good man & taking care of the people in his life.
My house got a new piece of furniture...a damn cute couch!
I am still mostly unemployed, though I applied for 3 jobs in the past 2 days, including a church secretary...and yes you read that right.
I haven't had anything to drink as far as alcohol since happy hour with some friends on Thursday.
I saw Star Trek ~ it rocked. I would go again!
Went shopping and bought a dress & super cute shoes for my 20th

(OMG I AM THAT OLD?)

high school reunion.
Paid all of my bills and am broke again until the end of next week when I get my paycheck.
Oh well, that's life!

life, ain't it funny?

A couple months back I went south to visit friends and while on the trip spent a good part of the evening at the ER. In the end the visit was a minor one, but the conversation my friend, her mom and I had while waiting made me laugh. My friend's mom was talking about all of the things that bothered her. They ranged from french manicures to tattoos. My friend said to her mom, you are getting quite opinionated in your older age and her mom replied "what else do I have to do?"
It made me laugh then and now. We all have little pet peeves, bad drivers, people who talk on their cell phone in check out lines, a certain word that they hate to hear...whatever it may be.
We have to balance the things that irritate us with the things that make us smile. I have been trying to look at the glass half full way of life much more lately. So, in that vein rather than complain about things here are a couple of things that amused me in the last few days.
The woman at the local beach side farmer's market who walked around wearing a bra as a bathing suit top. How do I know it was a bra? Well, I own the same one & would never think to wear it on the outside of my clothing.
The alarm at work that flashes after arming it to "please leave now" with the seconds counting down. Why this amuses me so I don't know, but it does.
People who call my restaurant in the morning to ask if I think it will be busy that evening...hmm, let me look at my crystal ball. I smile each time and bite my tongue to not say some smart ass remark.
Most of the TV shows from the 80's. I just watched the entire series of Square Pegs on DVD this weekend. It was actually a very well written, sarcastic show, but at 12 or 13 I don't think I got most of the humor. For example in the Halloween episode the one black character on the show talks about silly white people are dressing up in sheets and walking around. Plus the clothes alone make me smile, never mind the valley girl speak. Then there is Johnny Slash, the new wave one on the show...one of my first crushes. Sadly the actor who played him passed away the year I graduated HS.
Neil Patrick Harris in both of the Harold & Kumar movies...random and strange, but hella funny.
The concept of one size fits all clothing, seriously?
Warning tags on hair dryers, curling irons etc that say to not use while sleeping. Really?
Jen Lancaster's book Such a Pretty Fat or Why Pie is Not the Answer
This is a fabulous book for any woman who has ever dieted...oh wait I think that is like every woman on the planet!
There are so many more things that make me smile, but I think you get the basic idea of what I did this weekend to smile.
Hope you had some happy moments of your own!

ok so it goes

I blogged previously about something going on with my friend and how it was affecting me. Well, despite conflicting advice on if I should actually say what I was thinking or wait and see what happens, I choose to say my thoughts. I sent off an email a little bit ago to this friend saying how I was feeling. I think I did a good job of just putting it out there in a non judgemental way...I hope. I love this person and would even if for some reason we didn't remain friends, though I just don't see that happening. I hope that my choosing to be honest about my true thoughts will help, not hurt.
On other news I decided that after doing all of this playing on the computer I needed a day off. So, after sending that email and doing this blog I am taking a computer free day
(or at least 1/2 day) as it is about 11 already. I have lots I should do and if I take playing bejeweled blitz out of the damn equation I might get it done! Also, have to see Repo, the genetic opera later with my friend discotrash later today. So, right now it is off to shower, throw some clothes in the washer and run a few errands. Later, food, repo and booze...life is good!

strange dreams

You ever have those dreams you wake up from and go WTF?
Oh, I do and did just last evening. I am sure that the stress I have going on from various aspects of my life was at least partly to blame. None the less I would rather not have had this dream as it was odd, scary and completely never going to happen (which is a relief). The funny thing is this is the first time in quite a while I have even had a dream. My sleep patterns have been such that I rarely sleep deeply enough to acually dream. After 3 or 4 nights of getting a hour or so of sleep at a time I slept a full 4 hours at once last evening. What is my reward, a crazy dream...really? I swear this bout of insomia/sleep issues is as bad as having a infant waking me at all hours. At least I am guessing based on my limited experience with such things.

the art of merging

Took an impromptu trip this week down towards San Diego way to see family & friends. The drive is always pleasant for most of the trip, but there is portions of the drive thru LA that can kill me mentally & literally.
It seems that in the course of the last few years people have lost the art of merging. I am talking about traffic though this lends itself to our lives also.
I was on the 101 S where it merges with the 405 N and this lovely woman in the car in front of me decides that she should put on her brakes. Now she was going 70 or so and we were in the far right lane due to both of us apparently wanting to get onto 405. The problem was the traffic coming onto the freeway via an on-ramp. She would have been fine to slide between the two cars coming on, however she decided to break and let both on in front of her. This caused me a moment of "oh hell" as I tapped my breaks and slowed 30 MPH in 2 seconds.
I was fine, traffic went on and I merged onto my freeway of choice.
It did make me think however, what was she like in her life outside of driving?
Does she overly accommodate those in her life, while pacing herself & her needs around theirs?
I think I have a good balance of merging myself with those around me. This means that sometimes I am the one giving way, others times they are. This is what makes a friendship to me, the merging of two different lives into a new relationship. How it works is new and interesting in each case...as it depends upon the people in it.
As I prepare to drive home today I will try to be open to letting people in, both in traffic and my life.

things that amuse ( and or irritate your server )

I have been a waitress or bartender for most of my working career ( and yes I use that term career loosely ). It enabled me to go to school, as the hours were somewhat flexible. It gave me an insight to dining out that all should have, but trust me DO NOT. It let me live in my fabulous Shangri-la and other great beach towns. Also, gave me the ability to smile when I was not in the tiniest way happy, learn to work thru hunger, anger, sleep deprivation and hang overs. In this illustrious career of mine I have worked with the best and worst that the world of restaurants has to offer. Bosses who never heard of sexual harassment lawsuits, co-workers who were dumber than the proverbial box of rocks and people who would cover your asses just because they had been there at one point.
Now, having said all of this there are many things that amuse or annoy us as industry workers.
Calling or walking in with a large party ( let's say 15 people ) on a Friday evening and saying "oh we have to wait 30 minutes?" Um, well let's see...our tables only hold up to 6 people at them, thus a few need to be moved. It is 7pm on a FRIDAY EVENING when everyone and their family has decided to go out. OH yeah and you didn't bother to call....you are lucky it isn't an hour you silly people.
Then there are the needy peeps who ask for more napkins, then more sauce, then more soda...ok we are here for you, but please try to understand we have 4 or so other tables. If you know you need all of this, we will be happy to do it all at once. We just dislike 10 trips when we could have taken 2.
My personal fave is people who say that they need change, you run over to the bar or cashier if your place is lucky enough to have that...make change, bring it back & they say "oh, that's for you" sweet...thanks again for the extra steps.
Let's not even talk about the people with small children who let their kids run around or throw food, it is a restaurant, not a daycare. Enough said.
Thinking we are lowly subservient types because we do this for a living. I made more in one year of serving at a beach side restaurant then my friends with a degree did a couple years back. Some of us do this because we like it, some for the hours & flexibility, but trust me we all need the money.
Uncle Sam taxes us on 8% of our sales...not our tips...our sales. So if you leave us 10% we aren't getting ahead. I am fine with tipping according to service, but the act of putting money out and saying this is your tip if you are GOOD is crap. Keep it in your pocket and tip me at the end off the meal like everyone else . Oh and verbal tips are lovely, but they don't pay my rent.
Now lest you think this is a major rant of how bad people are, here are some things I love. When people come in and ask how I am...and actually want to hear. Someone who tells me how nice their experience and service was, we like hearing we are good at our jobs just like everyone else. Regulars who follow you if you move from a local spot to another. Co-workers who joke, sing, dance etc while working & make a 8 hour shift seem like 5. Knowing that I can go anywhere in the world and work.
All I ask is next time you go out, be patient, the person serving your food is just trying to make a living like you are. maybe watch Waiting, the movie and see what happens when you can make the wrong person mad who is serving your food....haha

and so it goes...

Talked to my friend, can't say I really understand exactly what is going on. I guess a big part of that comes from us not living by each other and it is hard to have deep, omg this is my latest bit of crazy, convos over the cell phone. Especially when our hours we have to talk are never conducive to this type of discussions. So, part one was text, part two was late this afternoon and part three will be late this eve. Maybe I will get it, maybe I won't, but the best part of being this good of friends...I don't have to get it...just be there. This I can and will do.

um, ok

So you ever have those days that you hear some news that just throws you?

Just happened.

I have a friend who has been in my life forever ( seriously we are family now like it or not ) who just dropped a major thing on me via text. Now, in defense of said friend she has a job that involves kidlets being around & thus the topic she had was not one she could talk about at this moment. I am ok with that, understand it even. What I am having a hard time with is that this is the person I share 99.9% of my life with and I am finding out something this big kind of after the fact.

Again to be fair this isn't about me...it is about her,. However, I can't help my reaction.

We are going to talk later today and I'll know more. Until then I think I am just going to try and let go of my hurt and think of how I can be there for her.

acceptance

In looking at old pictures the other day I came to the conclusion that I have finally accepted myself for the person that I am. I am no longer looking for approval of those around me, though don't get me wrong it is quite nice to get from time to time. However, I finally feel like my life is finally coming together a bit. This comes from having it shaken up in many ways in the past year. Changes with friends, job and family made me see that it truly is what you make of it. If life gives you lemons make lemonade (add vodka & it is even better) as the saying goes. This is not to say my life is perfect, for there are many things that could improve...and I hope do! No one is ever completely happy or satisfied, we as humans are always wanting more. It is part of our basic nature. I would love to weigh less, have more time (and money) to see friends out of state, go to the shows I want and do all of the things to my house I always say I will someday.
Having said that, I love where I live, my job is keeping the roof of my little corner of Shangri-la over my head. The government cheese fills in what the job does not for now. I manage to pay all of my bills each month somehow & still go to happy hour with friends now & again. I am starting to be more comfortable in my skin. I don't love my flaws (as I see them) though they make me the person I am. If my friends think I am cool, the I must be right? I treat others with more importance than I do myself, which is something I am working on. The biggest part of this is that I am learning to value myself for the very things that I once felt were flaws.
We make our choices in life and there is no point in second guessing yourself. You make those choices based on the knowledge you have at the time and yes another choice could have put you in a very different place, but you made this choice...accept & move forward. Love yourself for the amazing person you are...we all are that amazing person to someone...if you are really lucky you are amazing to a lot of someones.

life is good

Had a day off today with gorgeous weather & nothing that absolutely had to be done. I slept in until almost 8am which for me these days is amazing! Checked my emails, all was well in my friend's lives so I thought about what to do with the day. I decided to go see if the government cheese had arrived, which it had, so off to the bank I went. I love my bank, they know my name and ask me questions about life as if they truly care. Maybe they don't, but they sure do a good job of making me feel good. Then it was off to check out a new BookCrossing shelf I heard about at a cafe in town. Had a yummy late morning snack of yogurt & granola while browsing the shelves. Found 3 books and left 3, what symmetry right?
Since I was downtown decided to head over to one of the few non chain bookstores and browse...and I am sure you are all shocked by this...I bought 3 books! Then as I was heading to TJ's to stock up on all kinds of yummy food ( my fridge was quite bare ) I hit 2 new thrift stores in town and got some great stuff. An amazing heavy glass jar from years past that was only $5, but if it had been at a antique store would have set me back at least $25. Oh, and a few more books...I really do need help with this little addiction.
After stocking my cupboards & fridge with many yummy items I came home to sit on my porch in the sun and read. I listened to the sound of kids playing at the beach. College kids joking about their nights out as they walked down to lay in the sun. It just made me relax and be thankful for what an amazing place in which I live. My life is not without it's stresses, as we all have, but when you have this to come home to it can't be that bad!

the many sides to life

There are ever so many facets to us human beings. We are so complex that there are few people in our lives that see us in our entirety. Each person in our life sees the portions we let them see, even if we are not aware that we are doing it. Your parents view you in one way, while your significant other sees a completely different aspect of your personality and life. I have friends that I consider myself very close with, but at the same time know that when I am upset about something they will not be the ones I call. While I am close to both my parents,

(in very different ways)

I am sure there are things we will never discuss that I would amongst my friends.

When I sat down thinking about this the other evening I came to a conclusion. For all the emotion I share with the world, I hold quite a bit in. One of my basic tenets of life is that I won't say something behind some one's back that I would not be willing to say to their face. From this comes the habit of occasionally swallowing a thought. Lest it sound as if I am being judgemental, trust me I am harder upon myself than I ever would be to another person.

Due to this over the years I have let some of my friends slide to the sidelines of my life. The reason for this is there is only so much you can give and I grew tired of being the person who made the majority of effort. Some were the toxic friends that never saw that it could & should be a two way street when it comes to friendship. Some were just friends that time showed us to not have much in common other than proximity. I let myself be ok with losing a friend who didn't care enough about me to wonder how things were in my life or who always needed something; be it money or a ride somewhere, but could never return the favor.

I don't ask for much, I just want back from the world what I put into it. I don't require pretty presents or lavish meals out. I require honesty, respect and loyalty...all of which I will give back to you tenfold. I treasure the friends I have keep in my life, some are old friends who know all my silly hs dramas. Some are people I met college or work that helped shape me into the person I am today. Some are friends I met in strange places or from other friends who are no longer in my life. All of them would hold my hand during medical testing as quick as they would hold my hair back while I got sick. They see enough of me to love me, thus making me love myself more. In the eyes of my friends I see the person they see...and it makes me a better person. So, I will keep getting to know the various aspects of myself from the eyes of those in my life.

bleh

Do you ever have those days where you just feel bleh? I do have some cause for it today with what is going on with my gram, but that is not it. I got that news last night and when I got home wanted to call and talk to someone. However, it was a Friday eve. For my local friends this means Farmer's market, drinks and fun. For my friends south of here in "cities" it means the end of a long work week and time with family. So, being the good friend I didn't call any of them and bring them down. Now by no means am I saying that they wouldn't have talked to me, because every single one of those people would pick up the phone if I really needed them. It is that I think for the first time in a long time I missed having that significant other to sit with me and tell me things were going to be ok. I wanted a good cuddle on the couch with a loved one. Sadly this is not something I have right now.
Got some sweet words of support from friends via FB and talked to my brother, mom and dad today which makes me feel quite a bit better...really. I guess it is just everything has been so hard lately. At some point isn't it supposed to get easier? When you are little being an adult seems like ever so much fun. No one telling you what to do, where to go or anything. Reality is showing me that there is fun, but it comes along with stress, money worries and serious omg, what am I doing with my life moments. I am thankful for all I have, I have had worse times in recent months & there is a light (far away) at the end of the tunnel. I just want a carefree life like when I was little. A life where when you fell down your loved ones picked you up, dusted you off and gave you a hug to make it all better. Is that too much to ask for?
Well, I am done with work for the day and have no pressing concerns that I need to leave my house for so I can sit, be mellow and think that tomorrow will surely be better!

frailty

My gram fell down and was taken to the ER today. I found out about it while playing on FB, my cousin messaged me to let me know she was headed to the hospital. I just got an update from them that she is being held overnight, but is doing well. She has black eyes, a concussion and due to the fall will most likely lose all of her top teeth. The question we are waiting to get answered is did she black out, thus falling or did she fall and black out. Big medical difference there. Blood work and a CT scan were done, more heart tests being done tomorrow. I am so happy that she is ok, work was hard for the past few hours...sucks being perky when your mind is on crap like that. It drives home to me what frail creatures we are. My gram is in her mid 80's and has lived a healthy life so I would love to think she is going to be around for years to come. In my heart I wish for that, but my mind knows that she is getting older, and yes more frail. This is my last remaining grandparent in my life. I loved all of them, but my gram holds a special place as she lived with us when I was younger. She was there for me so often in my life and I truly hope she knows how very much everything she has done for me means. For now I am going to be thankful for the time I have with her and wait to hear more news.

I ventured out of my cozy little beach house in Shangrila last eve to head into "town". There was an event at one of the bars there that a friend was going to be a VIP at and could bring a couple people along. I don't go out too much in town as the bars there are full of young college kids trying to kill their livers & brain cells in the cheapest, fastest way they can. This usually involves them being a bit stupid and loud. I found the excursion to be amusing though just for the people watching. Damn, but there are some people who think they are special that just are not, and no I am not going to add more to that statement.

We got our own little couch and table area with a bottle of Blavod, black vodka. Can I tell you it looks even worse when you add cranberry juice to it? The place the event was being held at is nice, but it is trying so hard to be a hip Los Angeles type club-bar that it almost hurts a person. This is a fashion show type event with the theme being barley dressed body painted people. Sadly the guys participating in the show had the build of pre teen boys so it wasn't that exciting of eye candy. Had a blast with my friends though and really that is all that matters!

ex's and oh's

So, as I mentioned in my previous post via the ever so popular social networking sites a couple of my exes have found me. I got the strangest message from one, R, telling me why he feels we had issues. OMG, this gives me flashbacks to the worst nightmare I ever had ~ me stuck in the elevator room of the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland with every boy I ever dated. Said boys then decided to either tell me how horrible I was or tried to get me back. In my defense of this crazy dream, I had it after a night of drinking jager to get over a bad breakup...so let's not read to much into it. Oh yes, I get the irony of this drama occurring at the Happiest Place on Earth does not escape me, all I can say is I was in my 20's at the time.
So, back to the message from R. We had exchanged a couple of notes-messages back & forth catching up. He is divorced from the woman he married after me, no kids, but a dog they fought over. I do love how people feel the need to tell you what they think you did wrong. Apparently I was not ever there enough in our relationship. Now by this he doesn't mean I didn't spend enough time with him, oh no, he clarified exactly what he meant. He feels that I never opened up enough to him the way he saw me do with others. An example he gave was that I had something going on with my best friend, DK and I didn't ask, tell, invite him to be involved. Basically what it all boils down to is that I put him too low on my list of priorities. I had college classes, a job to pay for said college classes, friends and family, but in his opinion he came at the end of all of that.
OK, not going to lie at all, my first thought was screw you. I mean this is all from a good decade ago, who cares. I did break up with him, but he also had a date the weekend after that happened so he didn't seem too broken up at the time! Well, then I stopped to think about it a little bit. I will give him a bit of credit and say that it is mostly true. I am great at sharing my life with my friends and will drop things to help them even. I tend to be much harder to get to know in a relationship. I care about the people I choose to get involved with, but I hold back quite a bit until I hit my comfort level.
With R, he was the first guy I dated for any length of time after my breakup with D. To know why this matters, D was the first in a lot of things for me and to this day is one of only 2 guys I have said I Love You to. He was an amazing guy who I loved, but in the end found I was not in love with. The hardest part of breaking up with him was accepting that and hoping we would both be better for it. My friends at the time...and some even now think I was crazy to ever stop dating him. R came along about 9 months later, met him at a dive bar I went to with my co-worker restaurant friends. He went to my school and also worked as a waiter so got my job hours and stresses. He was fun, cute and made me feel good about myself. We dated in what I thought was a casual way and didn't fight at all. He never met my mom, who lived 40 miles away, but many of my school friends. I never had him stay over at my place, I always went to his. I have no idea if this was some sort of control issue as I could leave or what. That was one of the things he brought up when we broke up. I broke up with him as my life was getting busier & after 3 months to be honest I didn't think it was going anywhere. To me he was like a friend I went to the bar, movies etc with and sometimes we made out. I didn't feel a big connection or growth. As I said he found someone fast, he had a date 5 days later, she knew him from work I think. They ended up married 2 years later. She didn't care for me much so we lost touch, only to have him find me online and send me a note letting me know what he had been up to all this time.
So in the end my ex gave me an oh moment, where I came to an understanding of what he meant and how much I held back in past relationships. I didn't let him in as far as getting to know me via my world, my friends, my family. I kept him apart from all of it and then left as there was no connection, well how could there be? I have learned now that you have to open yourself up some in order to get that back. I think I actually appreciate what R said even though no one ever likes to be told they were wrong ; )

social networking

I love and hate the concept of social networking. On one hand I am finding people I am related to, went to school with or even dated ages ago via these sites. On the negative side is that some people I would rather not find me. I didn't keep in touch with some friends from HS and college for a reason. Now all of the sudden they are on facebook or myspace or linked in or some place I am and able to see exactly what I am up to. I try to keep my info on these sites to the basic. I live in CA, by the beach, etc...not so much on details if possible. I have gotten much more selective as to what pictures I put up, comments I make to others that can be seen etc.
I am thankful that the stalker ex I had from SD is not computer savvy enough to bother trying to find me. This is the one all my friends said was so sweet because he brought flowers for every date and called me everyday. Is it also so sweet that he would call even if I said I was busy with work or school? I got off easy though with him as I realized how bad it was getting before it got bad bad bad. I ended up moving shortly after that and no trace of him ever was a nice thing.
The people that have found me lately are my cousin from M. that I lost touch with quite a number of years ago & was jazzed to get to see pics of her cute lil kidlets. In this day & age with family spread so far out I will take the contact in whatever way I can. Then just a couple weeks ago I had 2 ex-boyfriends find me. Actually excited about both of these also as I always hoped the best for both of them. They were my two serious boyfriends and meant alot to me. The funny things is both of them got married to the next girl they dated...guess I was good practice : )
The thing is that while I loved both of them and am not wishing to be with either one, it does make you stop and think what if? If things had been slightly different I could be married with kids right now , or to be a bit of a pessimist I could be divorced and looking to start over. Who knows, but it is kind of fun to ponder too.
So, all in all while there are moments I hate how available our lives are via social networking I think I have to come down on the positive side after all.

sleep & life are good

I have sleep issues quite often. Either waking up at crazy hours and not being able to get back to sleep or just having trouble falling asleep. I think I jinxed myself the other day when talking to my dad by saying " I actually have been sleeping quite well lately" Um yeah so that must be why I woke up at 5am and was not able to go back to bed? You know it is dark still this early in the am? It is now 6:30 and the first hint of light is starting to show up in the sky. I love how the sky looks right now, a soft blue as the moon goes to bed and the sun wakes up.

I do believe the last time I was up at this early was when I was working the job from hell and a water pipe broke. I had to go to the restaurant and turn off the water. I am thankful everyday that I no longer work there, but things like that top the list.

My new years resolution was to be more thankful of the little things in life. To stop and enjoy when I have a nice sunny day off. To be able to appreciate that I live in a great little house, in a great town, with great friends. I know...that is a lot of greats, but it is all true. I have people that I can call to come join me for a late afternoon chat fest with champagne on my porch. I have a house that I don't share with anyone...not having roomies is fab! My dad lives close enough to do some "honey do" list stuff when I need it. Most of my life is fantastic and the parts that aren't are definitely getting better. So, I am going to look at my getting up at an hour that most of us should be sleeping as a chance to appreciate the early am beauty and just take a nap later when I get tired ; )

MIA

I haven't been on here to post in about 10 days. Life just got in the way I guess. First there is work, looks like I am getting more hours, which is good, but not sure how that will work with my part time unemployment benefits. I heard there is not a cut off of hours, but rather income? The site makes it really hard to find the simplest answers on it and hell no am I spending half my day on the phone or in the local office to find out anything.
Then was St. Patty's, the Saturday before my friends had their second annual party, quite fun. I was a bit of a party fail though in that I left quite early. I had a good time though and it is always nice to see my friends, have a shot or beer and just relax. I had worked all that day and was getting up early to drive to SD to see friends. So, Sunday was me getting up at 6:30am to pack, get gas and get moving. The drive was nice, no traffic, gorgeous weather and great tunes.

( I love LA radio )
I got to SD about 2pm and had a nice visit with some people I don't get to see very often. My friend D from college was out visiting family & it was my first chance to see her cute lil baby boy Lemon. ( don't worry it is a nickname ) Our party got livened up by her mom having a heart issue and the ambulance being called. The dept. is one block from where her brother lives so they got there in seriously a minute. Super nice guys, and a couple quite cute ones! They even had us take pics with Lemon by the fire truck after mom got loaded up into the ambulance and taken to the hospital. Have to have something good come out of not so good things.
Then it was off to sit in the er at Kaiser for 3 or 4 hours...boy do I love that.
There was seriously good people watching though on a very late Sunday eve at the major ER in SD. Have to be entertained somehow don't you know?
By the time all was said and done it was almost midnight so I crashed at D's hotel in a chair, it was better than the floor trust me. I actually slept ok considering.
The next day was spent hanging out with my mom, doing a bit of shopping. We went to the mall, which I don't think I have been to in like 5 years. Lots of closed stores there, but surprisingly lots of the same stuff is still there. Bought D some See's candy as they don't have one near her in CO. Then mom and I went to lunch at the Hunter Steakhouse. I worked at this one when I was 18 and it hasn't changed a bit. The food was great, all as good as I remembered except for dessert. How can it be mudd pie when it is made with mint & cookies and cream ice cream...what happened to chocolate & coffee? Major sadness, but champagne at my mom's made up for that : )
Tuesday was D family day at the zoo. I gave up on taking pics pretty quick as D's hubby J hobby is photography & his camera is hella better than mine! Though I did get some nice shots...like this

I took the Coaster from O'side to SD, which was great. I got to sit back and watch the scenery without dealing with traffic...loved it. I also got chatted up a bit on the ride to SD which made me smile, always fun to flirt a bit. Got back to N. Co. in time to head out for a mini pub crawl in C'bad with some other friends. My cmg ( bestie from jr hs ) her hubby R and some other people who I hadn't seen in forever. I didn't know that downtown C'bad actually had that many bars, much less Irish ones. I was wrong. There is actually a area of about 5 blocks that has 2 Irish pubs, a total dive bar, an old school neighborhood bar, 2 upscale type bar-rest type places and an old bar that defied description, but had cheap ass drinks. 2 newcastles, 3 coronas & a rum & coke cost us $17.50...sweet. I had a great time and almost didn't want to come home, but the real world was hitting me upside the head with things I needed to do so home I came.

I worked Thursday-Sunday, including a bit of management training, go me. now I have 3 glorious days off and am not quite sure what to do with them.

What a horrible problem right? haha

but is it flirting?

So, I have this friend who comes to town every now & again, and when he does we indulge in a little harmless flirting. I like this as he is just what he appears to be: A guy who is not looking for any commitment, wants to hang out and have a good time. Being aware of this to me makes him harmless as I know not to expect anything from him. We have fun drinking, playing pool, flirting and yes even occasionally making out. He was around recently and it made me realize just how out of practice I have become with the whole world of flirting and dating, also how very much I enjoy the activity of flirting with a cute boy.

I have a great group of friends that consists of some couples and a couple of single guys. There really isn't any other single gals in the group other than me. I am so used to this that I don't give it much thought. However today I ran into someone I used to see quite a bit at my old job.

(Funny enough all the same vendors & salespeople come to my new job.)

He said something to me that honestly I couldn't tell if he was being flirtatious or not. His comment was basically that he had thought about me for a couple of days after we last saw each other, which was a random run in on the street near my old job about a month ago?

It was at this point that I realized how very out of practice I was at all of this. There was a time, back in college for instance where I would have been confident enough in the comment being all out flirting, that I would have flirted back to the reward of a number or date.

Now, I just kept doing my work that I had been in the middle of and made small talk to him....ugh this whole dating flirting thing is way to hard. Guess that is why I am single!