Friday, August 13, 2010

such a pretty face

I read a book this morning with that title,
"such a pretty face" by cathy lamb
If you could not have guessed even a little bit from the title it has do do with a woman's self esteem issues. The main character Stevie has had a rough life, with a schizophrenic mother, being over weight and a heart attack while in her early 30's. She has a weight loss surgery to save her life, but still feels like the same fat, insecure girl inside. This book tackles some serious issues: anorexia, abusive family members and love. For me the best part of it was that there was no quick fix to all the problems laid out within it.
There is a scene where she talks about being wheeled down the hall in the hospital on the way to surgery while 2 woman talk about how obese and disgusting she is. She tells them that she has ears and just because she is fat by no means is she deaf. This struck a chord with me as someone who has battled with weight issues. People who are skinnier can sometimes feel as if by someone being overweight we lose our ability to hear when they say unkind words or laugh.
Other peoples words hold so much power of us all.
It doesn't matter if your issue is too much weight, being short, super skinny or tall...we all have feelings. The motto of think before you speak is a good lesson to remember.
I am currently on a path to become healthier. I have a long term goal of losing 100 pounds. Now that right there is sad, scary and exciting all in one simple number. The fact that I need to lose a whole 100 pounds to be considered by the American medical system as healthy is sad and scary to me. The fact that over the course of time I let my weight get away from me to that point is just scary. I think because I am doing this for me this time and not for anyone else in my life it is both easier & harder.
I am the one pushing myself to be better, healthier and yes, happier.
The experience so far has been slow. I started at the beginning of this year with the goal of being in better financial & physical shape by the time I was 40. I have 13 months to reach my goal. In the first 6 months of this year I lost 20 pounds
(yeah seriously YEAH ME!)
The goals I have are to be a stronger, healthier person...not just to fit into society's normal standard of weight or size, though not going to lie it factors in.
For once, just like every other person who is of a larger size, I would like to hear that I am pretty without any sort of a qualifier.
If you just lost a few pounds....
Oh, you were so pretty/skinnier when you were younger...
While the sentiment is nice, it is much nicer for someone to simply say
You are lovely just as you are.
The best compliments I have received of late had little to do with my outer appearance and everything to do with me as a person.
I thank the people who said them to me for they remind me that I am a good person, a loving friend and a happy soul.
To be honest I think I have met very few people who are truly happy with there appearance, but there is no one who is harder on us than ourselves!
My goal through this period of change is to embrace who I am, faults and all.
I want to accept the things about myself that I may not like, change what I can and move forward when I can't.
This sounds so simple...yet it is so hard.
Putting numbers down on a piece of paper,calendar or even on here makes it real.
I can only hope that I have the strength to achieve my goals...even it takes more time that I hope...slow and steady wins the race, right?


  1. I absolutely love your positive attitude. That is the thing that will make you a success. Thanks for the encouragement today! :)

  2. thanks for taking the time to read my rambling thoughts Sarah!