proud

When I was little all I wanted in life was to tag along after my big brother. He seemed so much bigger, stronger, smarter and fearless than me when we were small. There is almost 3 years between us and to be truthful it wasn't until we were both out of school and on our way into adulthood before we became friends. We have made up for that in recent years and I count him among those that would be there as quick as they could if I needed them.

He and I have both had a rough time this past 12 months or so. He moved away to live with his girlfriend an the job situation has been less than ideal.

The situation with his GF turned into a bad one on many levels, but I have to say I am exceptionally proud of the man he has become.

He stood by her through some serious issues, in spite of the fact that they personally were not in as good of a place as they had been. Then he had the strength and self confidence to leave when it was apparent it would not work. So, I applaud him for being a good man who knows when to give the help that is needed, but also when it is the right time to walk away.

I love you brother of mine.

more of the same

I feel like of late I have written quite a lot about life and friendships.

The reason is of course that my life, as is the case of many of my friends has been a bit rough in the past year.

What has come out of it is that I have gained some perspective on

what I want from my life.

I first and foremost want to be happy.

This will take me making some changes to a few portions of my life. I live in an amazing place. I have a cute house of perfect size for me, but slightly over run with too much in the way of personal belongings.To put it in perspective people pay for a weekend here what I pay to live in my house for a month!

On the job front I am not working enough to challenge myself or to get ahead.

So, I am looking to find a job that I can enjoy and make enough to slowly

get back to a "happy" financial place.

Next in order of importance is having people in my life who want to be there. In the past 3 months I have had two friends that were dear to me stop communicating to me due to what is going on in their lives. While I understand needing space, when you talk to other friends and include them within your life, but not me it does hurt. I am not by any means saying I am the best friend in the world, but I feel that if people are important to you then you need to let them know.

All in all for me it comes back to two things:

Treat others as you would have them do to you.

Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you will be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

So,I am making the changes that will make me a happier person. In doing so I may find even more to appreciate in life!

trying...

So, I am trying to understand what is going on, but it is hard when I am not a part of your life.

What would you think if you were me.

Seeing pictures that tell conflicting stories.

Not getting to talk to you. Not even being a part of your life while so much is going on. You would think things also. You would wonder.

Perhaps not, after all everyone has opinions, maybe I am reading too much or too little into it. All I know is there is a little piece of my heart that has been beat up in past months. There is a person who I normally would just pick up the phone and call, but I am no longer sure if my voice is a welcome one.

Sad, but true.

I look around me and there are pictures of us and fun times together. Items that came from you. You are so ingrained in my life that it is impossible to have you be gone from it forever, yet you are missing. I am lost as to where to go from here. How hard to try anymore. I feel as if the next action is yours. You were the one who choose to leave my circle, it is your choice on if you want to come back in...

being a grownup is over rated

When you are little all you want is to be an adult. There are so many things you want to do and so many places you want to go. We want to be able to drive, to drink, live on your own. The rules that our parents and society place upon us seem so stifling in our youth. Then you get to be an adult and realize that there is a whole lot of responsibility that comes along with the freedom. To drive you have to have money for the car, insurance and gas. Drinking can be fun, but there is also things to think of such as driving under the influence or impaired dating judgement. Living on your own is great, but there are so many small costs you never think of when you go to move out for the first time. Rent, gas, electricity, water, trash, food, cable, phone...and on and on.

Aside from all of these things our friendships were much simpler when we were little.

They are based on what toys you both liked, the street on which you lived, your parents being friends or a shared love of hopscotch. As an adult you juggle your own personal duties of life with the bonds of friendship you form. Lives turn into different directions as we grow older. We go to school, date, get married, have children and slowly evolve into different people. If you are lucky your friendships can survive this and grow into something deeper and even better than it had been. In other cases time slowly shows you how little you had in common in the first place.

I have friends I have known since we were barely out of diapers and ones I have met in the past year. The ones that are closest to my heart are ones that have made as much effort with me as I have with them. They can tell by the sound of my voice when I leave a message if they should call me back immediately. They are the kind of friends that will call you to repeat a stupid joke or think of you when they see something you might like.

It is not the length of the friendship, but rather the depth.

Thanks to my girls that are in my life...I love you!

and now we wait...

Saw a nurse practitioner today that I must say rocked! Made the visit as painless as she could & listened to my concerns and questions. Nice to know that what I am worried about is indeed not a normal thing. Getting a few tests run tomorrow (liver function, thyroid & glucose) to see if we can figure things out. Also on a health plan that covers all but one of the tests (thanks state of CA) as I am so poor due to my lay off of last December. I feel so much better for getting some information already and talking to someone who seems concerned enough to work with me on it.
Bonus too in that the office is right next to a great whole foods type of market, lots of yummy healthy stuff. Now off to grab a bite as I need to fast for 12 hours before these tests & I plan on doing them asap tomorrow am!

oh I have worries...

I have an appointment tomorrow with the doctor to see if the stuff going on with my body is anything to really worry about. The problem with the information age is that you can look up your symptoms on webmd and get more scared by what you see then to be reassured. In my case it could be anything from simple stomach cramps due to food irritations or up to the big C, cancer. Now, just to be clear I don't think I have cancer ( knocking on wood here ) but the idea of it being anything serious scares me on many levels. The main reason being that I have no health insurance due to my job situation. It is the first time in about 7 years that this has been a factor. Then there is just the basic fear of the unknown. I actually am looking forward to this visit as it will give me answers. So, tonight I will watch season 2 of Secret Diary of a Call Girl. I have a small girl crush on Billie Piper...plus this season has Callum Blue (of Dead Like Me fame) who is H~O~T. Great mindless, fun to watch TV, just what I need.

oh I have words...

I have a lot of words for you, but let's start of with just one.

Lie.

That is what you did right to my face.

I asked you a question and expected an honest answer, after all haven't we been friends for long enough that we would share it all, the good and the bad? Well, guess I was wrong on many levels.

Lots of people in my life are trying to make excuses for how and why you are doing what you are doing. I have none for you. I love you and you will always be in my heart, but that doesn't change how I am feeling right now.

I am mad.

I am hurt.

I want to know so many things.

Did you think I would judge you?

Did you know on some level that what you were doing was not entirely good in the eyes of others?

I do not know...nor to be honest do I care.

You have made me look at our whole long friendship and wonder if there was ever the depth that I thought there was. Do you even know how deeply you have hurt me?

The stupid tears I have shed for you and the loss of our relationship.

I would love to say I am done, but I can't stop caring about you.

Do I love you? Yes.

Do I respect you right now? No.

Will we make it through this? I don't know.

I hope the best for you. I wish you happiness and joy in all aspects of your life.

I can't thank you enough for all of our good times and I curse you for the bad.

I could say more, but what is the point.

I have shed my tears, vented my anger and you were not there for any of it.

I am...

confused, tired, happy, sad, angry, emotional, crazy, joyful, amazed...I am everything.
I haven't written in the past couple of weeks as I have had so much going on. I got another part time job...woohoo! Between the two jobs I work almost 25-30 hours...haha. I am happy to have a job I enjoy once more as it has been a while. It is working in a used bookstore that I have been going to for almost 20 years. Fun and not mentally hard, but it is much more sociable than the other part time gig. Makes me appreciate what things are good about working, but it is making me not like my other job much also. So, therefore the hunt is on for a serving or bar tending gig to get the social aspect I crave & also to get me back to making more money. I feel like I just can't get ahead and I really dislike just getting by. Trying to decide what and where I want to be in my life in the next year. My long term goal (besides just being happy) is to be out of debt and in better shape by the time I am 40 ( got just over 2 years for that!)
Having some very strange health stuff going on also, but hoping to be told at the doc this week that it is all normal strange stuff...we shall see. Not much to say really, just thought I would update on the small things...