pressure...

Ok, so it here...

the moment where I break down

I knew it was coming, but it really hit me hard today.

I went to drive out of Avila to head to my temporary housing, but was going to need to come back tomorrow to get the tail end of my stuff. It is Beer Fest here in town in addition to being Memorial Day weekend. This means madness of people, young drunken college kids, families and escapees from the central Valley areas. This year seemed worse than previous years in the crunch of people and cars in that it took me 15 minutes to get from my house to the freeway. Gave me serious flashbacks to the year Unocal put on fireworks on the 3rd of July...madness!

So, in my head I was thinking...ok, I will never have to deal with this again.

Then it hit me, I will NEVER have to do this again. I cried for the entire drive home.

I know deep down that I will come out of this experience in a better place, but the actual process of it is really hitting me hard emotionally. Trying to focus on my positive aspects, but the idea of change is always more fun than the reality of it!

sad...

Knowing all I know about this world means nothing when I lose someone dear to me in my life. My sweet uncle passed away today, after a period of illness, but years of health problems. I love that I have great memories of him, as he was an awesome man. A good uncle, brother, son, father, husband who touched many lives. He will be missed. My sadness comes not only from my own feeling of loss, but also seeing my father lose his baby brother. I wish for a better place for Lee where ever he is now, hopefully keeping an eye on his loved ones from there.

may day may day

So it is the first of May, otherwise known as May Day in some countries and religions.

For me it is the start of a long and stressful month full of changes. I will be leaving my home of 13 years this month and have yet to figure out just where I am going next...

I am trying to embrace all of the good things to come out of this, but not going to lie I have been filled with anxiety over not knowing where these changes will be taking me.

slow and steady

I am starting to appreciate how easy it is to accumulate stuff and how hard it is to decide what to do with said stuff when you move. I have an amazingly large collection of books, an abundance of glass & pottery collected over the course of many years that are ever so hard to decide what is worth packing...though I am going with "can it be replaced?" I am going to be staying at a smaller place for a couple of months and then who knows where, thus trying to really move as little as possible!

I am amazed at the things that I feel I can't part with, the furniture is easy, but the art& knick knacks are killing me! I have until June 7th, but my goal is to be out of this place by May 31 so it is only about a month to get it all done...oh my.

Just breathe and focus on something each day...that is my mantra!

books, books and more books

omg do have enough books...um yes I do! my goodness I just sorted through my first of 6 bookshelves and found that I was only willing to move about 1/3 of them so far. I have a feeling the books & kitchen stuff will be where I have issues parting with them. trying to look at it as if I can't replace it I can keep it....so hard though!

housing and packing stress

I am just a little bit stressed about the whole idea of moving. I find myself focusing on the most random of things, having to call to shut off my utilities, finding boxes to pack up all of my "stuff" and of course the biggie....where on earth this next stage of my life will take me. Much to my surprise I am finding that so far the sorting through my stuff has involved letting go of quite a lot. My feeling is this is a chance to let go of baggage, both conceptual & real. I want to be more like my dad who retired to Mexico with the clothes that fit in the saddlebags on his motorcycle (with a few boxes stored under my house) though to be realistic I know I am not able to let go of that much!

It is a great thing to strive for though...ok, back to packing boxes.

possibilities...

So, I found out today via certified letter that my landlord feels my house needs a major overhaul and I have 2 months to find a new place to live.

I would say this is a shock, but it would be a lie as they had not responded to my calls in regards to a leak in my roof. My thought was that they were either going to fix it & raise my rent or do this. The big thing is that I have been here for close to 13 years and it seems so surreal to be packing up my many belongings and finding a new home.

The possibilities are endless though. I can stay within my same town, move somewhere else locally, or move out of state.

so many things to think about & options to weigh...