life in Shangri-La

goals....getting there!

2012-01-29T10:09:00.000-08:00

so, I fell off track a bit with my diet & exercise goals.

I haven't gained....which is amazing, but I have been stuck at a small plateau for a bit now.

I should state that since I started actually tracking my weight I have lost 30 pounds and feel SO much better. I would like to lose another 70 to hit my goal, but I am focusing on a smaller one of 20 more pounds for now.

I joined a free online website which helps me track my food intake and it is eye opening to see what some of my more "empty" calorie choices are.

My goal for this next week is to watch my sugar levels....no more soda allowed.

Also to get back into my daily yoga routine...1 or 2 times a week is not doing it for me. I need the help with my balance and flexibility. Also it is my only time where I can focus on just me, not all the other stressors within my life!

and a follow up

2012-01-27T22:15:00.000-08:00

I have to say how very surprised I am by how various friends have replied or not replied to my plea to help my friend Anya.

I wrote the note to my friends who I thought would be willing to help, even if it was only a sweet lil card to brighten her day.

I got more from people who do not know her at all

(like a couple of my fabulous Bookcrossing friends)

than I did from ones who know her, even if it is only through me.

I stopped to think about if I would be offended by getting a note like that from one of my friends if I did not know the person for whom help was being asked. I think that even if I was not in a financial way able to help I would at least respond and say that I was not able to, but how lovely of them to try on their behalf. Most likely though I would scrape up a few dollars to send though as I am one of those soft touches, haha.

Hopefully it was read and taken in by those people in the same spirit which it was sent, which was of love and friendship. I hoped for the best, but had no expectations.

I would like to say thanks to my sweet friend Steph who sent a nice gift card for me to pass along.

My sweet friend Dori also is posting off a fun book to brighten my girls spirits.

I really do think there are some amazingly lovely people in the world and I am blessed to have them in my life and that they care enough to help others!

Bless you all sweet friends!!!

friends....

2012-01-20T14:27:00.000-08:00

So, I posted this letter below on my facebook notes and sent out a few messages to friends today.
I fully did not expect much from it as I know times are tough and at least half of the people I sent it to don't even know my friend so it was a risk.
I will say I am a bit suprised at the number of people who stepped up with kind words and offers of support in various ways.

HI my sweet friends...

I am taking a moment out of my day to ask for help for one of my sweet friends going thru a hard time within her life.

We all see fundraisers for people who are fighting battles, usually medical, but what about a person who is fighting an emotional or financial battle?

One of my dearest friends, Anya, who has supported me emotionally and at times even financially throughout our 20 year friendship is going thru some major life changes. After 20+ years her marriage is ending. In addition to this she also just signed a year lease on a new business, going into private practice for social work and now will be looking to move. I am looking for ways to support her emotionally & financially with all she is going thru. I am reaching out to my friends to see if there is any way for them to help. I am looking at this as friends helping friends. If you gave up that am coffee or after dinner drink with the girls for one eve and put that money towards helping my sweet friend get through a rough time in her life. If you do not have a monetary way to help (as I know times are tough for all of us) perhaps you would be willing to send a small card or note that might lift up her spirits? (Mail to me at PO BOX 123 Avila Beach, CA 93424 & I will fwd)Many of you know Anya and know what an amazing person she is. She is the most giving & caring person I know. As like most of us, it is not in her nature to ask for any help, but I have no shame in asking for her! Thanks for taking the time to read this regardless of what action you take. much love my fabulous friends!xoxox

it's all in how you say it...

2011-09-17T13:11:00.000-07:00

I had an experience at work a couple weeks ago which has stayed with me.

I had a table of 3 come in to eat and I took their order, brought them their food when it was ready, checked in on them a couple times. All seemed fine...UNTIL she came up to pay and complained with quite a bit of anger. She felt I had been "abrupt with a rude tone" when I was taking their order, which I of course was by no means trying to be. I tried to apologize, which she did not seem to want to hear at all from me. I found myself getting more upset due to her tone and manner. I started to tear up

(which is not normal for me, but I was a bit PMS'y)

at which point she got even angrier and said "see you are getting upset right now" which implied I had been upset or moody before. Just for the record I was having a great day and was not in a bad mood like she thought. Of course I am going to get upset when someone is face on attacking me and what I believe to be my character. I can only guess that my tone when taking their order had been non- friendly to them for some reason, but what I find interesting in retrospect is how abrasive her tone was when talking to me. It was like she felt justified in being so rude and confrontative as in her mind I had treated her that way.

After she left I asked my co-worker her opinion upon the whole exchange & she felt I had been sincere with my apology. She felt that I had made every attempt to pacify & please this guest and made the comment that "come on it is just food!"

Agreed!

So, since then I have listened with more awareness to not only my tone, but those within customer service in my daily life. I think as a whole we expect so much from the people who wait on us, be it at the store or a restaurant. Take a moment to reflect on the fact that they are people also. Yes, they are there to do a service, but remember they are people too. I would bet that if you give them a smile or polite word they will return the favor!

40 things...

2011-09-16T13:28:00.000-07:00

So, I'm making a list of 40 things I want to accomplish in my 40th year.

I figure I am starting a new era so i should kick it off with a bang!

I am taking suggestions on things to put on the list as I am stalled out at 25....feel free to give me ideas!

To give you perspective I have put my top 10 below...

1. Zip line

2. go to a museum & see a major work of art (Van Gogh, Degas etc)

3. try stand up paddling

4. Hike all of the trails listed in the Day Hikes of SLO Co. book

5. reach my goal weight (1/3 of the way there!)

6. Finally make that trip to Catalina with my bestie

7. travel to any of the cities on my "want to see" list

8. ride a horse

9. pay off my credit card

10. read all the books in my TBR pile

and what would you do?

so big can be sexy, but is it healthy?

2011-09-15T14:08:00.000-07:00

Found this blog :

http://myfitspiration.com/2011/09/is-big-really-sexy/

to be interesting as I was told about this show by a friend and after watching 3 episode so far I am torn on how I feel about the show as a whole.

I am working very hard at being a healthier version of myself and I do worry for the extra weight that the woman are carrying & how it can affect their health.

At first I thought they all seemed so comfortable with their bodies, but I will say after watching multiple episodes they all seem to have some self esteem issues just like most women.

In a episode where there was a fashion show, more than one of the women had problems with being seen in a swimsuit on the catwalk.

I think as women we have things we love & hate about our body at any size. I always hear from friends how much they will love their body when they lose weight, yet when they get to their goal they find that they are still not satisfied.

I am working with learning to love my body at the size it is while making it a smaller, healthier body. I want my body to be a strong one, able to let me do more and life longer, losing weight will enable me to do this, which is why I am working so hard.

I will never be a small girl, I have always been of the curvy variety & have no shame in liking that for myself. What I want is to be more athletic, strong, and confident with a lighter step!

I do love though that there are shows on TV that show women of a larger size to show everyone that there is beauty in all sizes!

feed my soul

2011-08-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

So, I just got to spend a few days with some of my favorite people. This included happy hour with some fab friends from hs, two 40th birthday parties and some quality time time with my mommas!

It was my bestie's 40th birthday so we had a super fun Caribbean party to celebrate. I just loved getting some quality time to celebrate our friendship and her birthday.

hhhmmmm

2011-07-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I used this blog. Mostly because I was busy, but also I completely forgot what email etc I used to set it up and had to use some brain power to get back to it! Hope to get back in the swing of it and update you on my progress with my health...and changes of late in my life.
For now I am beat from a busy shift at work and ready for some sleep before the gym tomorrow am!

a time for celebration?

2011-05-02T07:32:00.000-07:00

So, after a quiet day off yesterday recuperating from my bout with strep throat I logged onto my computer to find people celebrating the death of Osama Bin Laden.

Now, while I freely admit this was an evil man who in his lifetime did commit countless atrocities against humanity it still pains me to see people celebrating any ones death with such glee.

I feel sad that I saw an image posted on FB last eve of our Statue of Liberty holding a bleeding head of Osama rather than a torch. I feel pride in our military for the brave fight the soldiers have been in and yet I know this is by no means an end to the war within our lives.

I wish for peace, hope for understanding and bless all of those who lost their lives.

it's the little things...

2011-04-12T15:32:00.000-07:00

I feel many of us take for granted the simplest of things within our lives.

Food in our fridge, clothes upon our back and the roof over our heads.

I saw a homeless man be helped by a simple gift today and it made me even more appreciative of the basics for which I have each day.

I was shopping at the local Hospice Thrift Store here in SLO for non essential bargains for myself when a man walked in asking about what facilities were offered in SLO for the homeless.

He was tall, but walked slightly hunched like he was trying to not be noticed. I heard him ask about any food programs and assisted the woman he was talking to in directing him to the Prado Day Center which does a daily lunch. It was at this point that I noticed he had no shoes, and he asked the woman who worked there if they gave out clothes or shoes at Prado. She asked him what size he wore and walked with him over to their shoe area. I was touched to watch her help him try on a couple different pairs of shoes. After he had found a pair that fit she told him they were on the house and wished him well in his travels. He walked out of that store with a straighter posture and a small smile upon his face. Sometimes the smallest kindness can make a difference within a person's day or life.

I know it made me even more thankful for the small things I have...as the saying goes

"there for the grace of God go I"

regardless of what beliefs you might have we can all relate to the sentiment that just one quirk of fate could change our situation. In today's economy it is even easier to find yourself struggling. I know that due to the amazing family & friends I have I would never be out on the streets and for that I am most thankful.

Take a moment today to appreciate all of the small things and let go of some of the stress of trying to keep up in our crazy world!

best trip ever

2011-03-25T15:46:00.000-07:00

I came back from the most amazing vacation ever to work 8 days in a row. Can I complain about this much though really? I got to touch a whale....I mean really how very amazingly cool is that?

I had 5 glorious days off, at least 1/2 of that felt like it was spent in the car ~ haha.

If you ever get the chance to go to Baja and do this excursion it is worth it on so many levels.

aaahhhh, I just look at the pics and relax...

oops...

2011-03-07T09:33:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a couple weeks since I posted an entry on this lil blog, shame on me!

Well, I didn't get selected for the challenge at the gym, but I liked the people there so much that I paid for a membership and 6 personal training sessions.

I worked out for a short bit this am, but didn't do as intense of a workout as I hope to be getting into as I had errands to accomplish before work.

I am excited though as for the first time in a long time I feel that this is being done for the right reasons and the people there are super friendly.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." ~George Eliot

uuuggghhh

2011-02-16T09:06:00.000-08:00

Still feeling a bit under the weather and kind of mad about it as it is keeping me from staying on track with my exercise. Trying to take it easy so I can recover, but also not get completely off track.

I have my interview for the Transformation Challenge today at 2pm.

Hoping it goes well...and of course will announce what happens here when I find out more.

xoxox

motivation where are you?

2011-02-10T08:27:00.000-08:00

I seem to have lost some motivation this week...and trying hard to get back into my groove.

I overdid everything last week with work and helping friends, oh just life in general.

I am feeling run down and a little under the weather, which of course makes me not want to do anything exercise wise.

I only did 20 minutes of yoga yesterday and feel a bit guilty!

Today is a gorgeous sunny day so I think I am going to get out and do a hike.

Hopefully I can push through the negative feelings I have at the moment...

On a side note in an effort to push myself I entered for a Transformation Challenge at a local gym. If I were to be selected as one of 3 I would receive a battery of tests before & after the 12 week period, a gym membership & training 3 times a week and a weight watcher's membership for that period also.

It is a big opportunity if I were to participate in it I know my competitive nature would kick in for sure...and give me a big push!

So, wish me luck...

an award, for lil ole me....aw!

2011-02-07T08:33:00.001-08:00

So, there is this thing going around within the blogosphere...

and the lovely Sarah

(http://bloggingwhilewaiting.blogspot.com/2011/02/im-stylish.html)

whom I met through the super fun BookCrossing.com site has given me this cool award.

I love it as it makes me feel as if I might actually be a honest to goodness blogger after 2 years of pouring my thoughts out into the big wide web.

so according to the rules I now must tell you 7 things about me....

1. I am a die hard Vikings fan and will remain that in spite of the seriously bad time people might give me for it.

2. I own only 13 pairs of shoes, not very girlie in that manner.

3. I have lived in 3 states, but will always call California my heart.

4. I went to the same high school & worked at the same job as Denise Richards.

5. I adore anything Joss Whedon has a hand in.

6. The first rated R movie I ever saw was "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" shame on my mom, eh?

7. In recent months I have become addicted to yoga.

So, now I am to pass it along to 10 bloggers. I only have a few that I follow on a regular basis and 2 of them just did this SO...

a family member who has a fun blog to keep us all updated on the joys of their family lifehttp://jnkkok.blogspot.com/

my bestie who started one and may this encourage her to write more

http://dreena-barefootthoughts.blogspot.com/

and a fun blog on shoes

http://highheelreveal.blogspot.com/

music to yoga by...or just have a moment of peace

2011-02-03T09:49:00.000-08:00

So, my friend Stephanie is ever so much better at this whole blogging thing than me, but she constantly gives me support and a ton of inspiration!

Consider this your shout out from me, my dear!

Her blogging is what got me started back in 2009 with the very blog you are currently reading.

At the moment she is writing about some of her favorite love songs in honor of that lovely holiday that is Valentine's Day.
http://djstephaniebell.wordpress.com/

I completely adored her first choice

(Depeche Mode's In Your Room)

I have been listening to quite a variety of music lately, as always it depends heavily upon my mood or actions at the time.

In part of my trying to get into better health I have been doing a bit of yoga each day to relax and usually put on a bit of music to have as background noise which is mellow & reflective.

A fave right now is a folk trio whom I adore & have seen about 3 times now in various places, The Wailin' Jennys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=it73sIt4Vjs

Their song One Voice is their version of a peace song & just makes me happy to hear.

Another classic song in the yoga mix is John Lennon's Imagine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xB4dbdNSXY

Then there is this version of Mad World which was originally done by Tears for Fears, but I love this version by Gary Jules ever so much more!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYY-a0_Bb9Y&feature=fvw

Then there is this one from Nirvana The Man Who Sold The World which was originally a David Bowie song, but something about how Kurt Cobain sang it just resonates with me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fregObNcHC8&feature=channel

There are of course many great songs out there, but these are a few of my favorites and I hope that they give you a moment of reflection as they do me!

special

2011-02-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

There are some people within my life that are very special to me and make my world a better place just by being a part of it.

I had a phone conversation with one of these people last evening, my bestie.

We have been friends for 30 years and over that time have been through so very much.

As with any friendships we have had exceptionally great times, but also some horribly bad ones.

We had one of those bad periods back in 2009, during which I had doubts we would ever get back to where we had once been.

Some of what happened is just normal changes within a friendship due to people living in different places, having lives headed in opposite directions, but some of it was a lack of trust in each other.

Our phone convo last night started off just doing a little catch up on our previous few days, but turned into a bit of minor friendship therapy!

Honestly do not remember the last time I cried & laughed so much in the same time period.

Other friends of mine, while being quite close to me, have a hard time understanding exactly what we have been through. To be honest sometimes it is hard for me to even grasp.

It is hard to explain how this person has become so enmeshed in my life. We shared many important moments, school, dating, kids, love & loss.

She is the sister of my heart and while we might have fights are disagreements we will always have a place in each others lives.

the great outdoors

2011-02-01T08:06:00.000-08:00

***I wrote this blog and later added the pics, sorry for any confusion that might cause!***

During the past month I been trying to get out and explore the wonders of SLO county. I have lived here for the past 15 years and feel as if there is so much I have not seen. We tend to get complacent and go to our same fave places. I challenged myself to go do a new hike or walk each week. So, I started with the Johnson Ranch trail just off the 101 between SLO & Avila.

(the picture with the water bottle is from there)

Simply gorgeous!

The next stop was Irish Hills in SLO over near Costco.

This one lives up to the hill part of it's name! this was a good workout with amazing views overlooking our gorgeous little city. There are multiple trails here so I can go back and explore even more, which I am looking forward to!

(third picture)

I also have done a few walks at Laguna Lake in the past couple of months, which is not a new spot for me, but still a pretty place to enjoy.

(second pic)

Lastly again this one is not new, but since I no longer live in Avila I have to get my fix by going and walking at the Bob Jones trail...just soothing!

(first pic)

2011-01-29T09:57:00.000-08:00

This is me on a hike here in my lovely neck of the woods. I rarely am the focus of a picture as I am usually the photographer

(and not gonna lie I like it that way)

I joined a friend of mine from book club on a hike with her meetup.com group yesterday.

It was a fun way to get some exercise AND meet some new peeps!!!

Consider this lil pic my latest update to my health...

I am happy with my progress so far, 22 pounds since I started late last spring. I had hit a plateau after losing the first 17 pounds...went 3 months last fall where I didn't lose anything.

Though to be positive I did not gain either!

I made myself a "plan" to follow for this year to hit my goal as my total goal of health & weight loss is to lose 108 pounds total from my start weight.

I have 86 pounds to go in 34 weeks.

That is a rate of about 2.5 pounds a week....we shall see if I hit it on time, but I will be happy with a continued loss and feeling healthier!

err on the side of caution

2011-01-22T21:59:00.000-08:00

wow

Just got home from an all day baby shower for an old friend.

I drank a few glasses of wine between noon and 9pm, but since I had

eaten and stopped drinking in the last hour I felt good to drive.

Now let me preface this by saying I am the girl who doesn't drive after having one drink usually.

I feel that a DUI is just silly to receive as I value my life & others way too much to risk it, besides it being exceptionally expensive!

Well, I got on the freeway to drive home, played with my stereo and reached over for my water when the lights of a highway patrolman flashed behind me.

I was asked for my license and asked a number of questions in regards to where I had been and the amount of alcohol I had consumed.

I was honest about it all as I felt safe enough in my sobriety.

Then he gave me a series of tests at which point it appeared as if I was worse off than I was

(my balance sucks big time & following a black pen in the dark is not so easy)

so he asked me to blow into the breathalyzer.

Now at this point I started to think perhaps I was not as good as I thought I might be?

I asked if I had to take it and he informed me that if I did not it would go by his judgement and he erred on the side of caution.

I still felt as if I would be good and thus choose to take it.

I blew a .04 (which is below the legal limit)

that made it so I could get away with a warning, but it scared me to think it could have even been a factor. I was also told by this very nice (not bad looking CHP man) that if you are pulled over and blow over a .05 you can be arrested for drunk driving. *

I can only tell you that for me personally this was a wake up call to re-enforce my stance on not driving after consuming more than one drink.

In addition I intend to focus on my solely on driving, no drinking, eating, playing

with the stereo or phone while in the car!

•DUI — driving under the influence of alcohol — is a serious offense in California, with criminal penalties and drastic consequences. The blood alcohol limit is 0.08%, but you can also be charged regardless of blood alcohol amount if the police can prove you were affected by the alcohol. (And remember, regardless of DUI offences, in the US the legal drinking age is 21).

on it..

2011-01-20T11:07:00.000-08:00

I have now worked out each day for 8 days in a row.

Got to say this whole getting healthy thing is starting to get a little bit easier.

trying to mix it up each day, but sticking with yoga each day as it is vastly helping my back.

So, far in my first week of actively being aggressive with exercise I only lost a pound...but hey that is a pound!

Got to focus on the positive stuff right?

goals..

2011-01-12T15:34:00.000-08:00

I am slowly getting back on track with my diet and exercise after the holidays

(and being sick for over a week)

slowly though...

I bought a couple new pieces of furniture, which in turn meant doing some serious cleaning & furniture re-arranging yesterday. I felt that since I did 3 loads of laundry, which meant 6 trips up and down my stairs, and this cleaning that could serve as exercise for the day.

Thinking I am glad I didn't do more as I am sore from all that lifting today.

Tomorrow it is yoga & zumba once more.

I have a goal to hit by the end of the month & won't get there by sitting on my couch watching tv.

fun times

2011-01-10T18:06:00.000-08:00

Had a fabulously fun weekend with some old friends, some of whom I haven't seen in years.

Got to catch up, take pics and share memories.

Back to the real world today with work & errands, though I did some fun shopping also.

Found a store recently that has adorable stuff and sadly it is closing.

however the closing means a SALE (woohoo) at which I splurged a bit.

Got a neat corner bookcase which will necessitate doing some serious furniture re-arranging on my day off tomorrow in between loads of laundry.

This is my idea of fun though, nesting and organizing my home.

goals

2011-01-07T13:49:00.000-08:00

Watching "I Used to be fat" on MTV at the moment.

It is actually kind of motivating, lol.

I also put a calendar on the wall in my bedroom this am to stare at each day to remind me of my goals.

Each month I put my "goal" weight for the month and also a goal food or exercise wise.

This months is to work out 3 times a week in some manner for 30-60 minutes.

I'll be keeping the numbers to myself as I am not willing to admit that as of yet...maybe when I meet my first big goal I'll share just where I started at....maybe!

Thanks for the support and love

honesty...

2011-01-05T08:32:00.000-08:00

OK, I am really putting myself out there with this one.

This is a picture I took back in the summertime (7-10)

When I started really pushing to lose weight and make serious changes to my health.

The past year have brought mental changes to how I look at myself and my struggle with weight. I needed to let go of the idea of a perfect body and look at this as a battle for my long term health.

I don't want to enter into my 40's overweight.

So, as part of my goal I am going to post a picture of my start even though

it scares me to really bare it all!

Each time I lose 25 pounds I will put on that same super flattering ensemble and share with you my lovely followers my accomplishments!

Going into this in a positive manner...I will succeed : )

however feel free to send me good vibes and love in my journey!

new year, new intentions

2011-01-02T10:44:00.000-08:00

Starting off the new year with an intestinal bug of some sort that is kicking my butt in a big way. I am tired of the ever so bland diet I have been on this week...bananas, bread and lots of water. BORING

On the plus side I lost 5 pounds in the last couple of days, ha ha.

I had a mellow NYE in with a couple of girlfriends, a small amount of champers right at midnight to cheers. Other than that my night was alcohol free due to this tummy issue.

It appears that if I put in anything my angry lil tummy doesn't like it lets me now ASAP.

Thus I am being super careful about my choices...and as much as I wanted that champers & brie I was good and had none.

boo hiss

Here is a wish that you all have the best year

much love and blessings my friends

holiday fun

2010-12-27T20:53:00.000-08:00

Had a nice Christmas in spite of my last minute change of plans.

Made a mimosa and cinnamon rolls, a family tradition I stuck to in spite of being solo.

Spent the afternoon with my dad's girlfriend's daughter's family.

Tri tip, salad and beans....not very traditional, but super delish.

all in all had a nice time

find that spirit where you can...

2010-12-22T15:24:00.000-08:00

So, I am still very much in the Christmas happy~love state, but a few things

have changed since I last posted.

First off, my mom is not coming up for the holiday due to this ever so lovely

rainy weather we are having.

Am I disappointed...um yes quite a bit.

Did I cry...um once more that would be a yes.

Have I already made plans and moved past it, yes and no.

I will spend part of Christmas day with my dad's gf's daughter & her family. It will be fun as her daughter & hubby have 2 small children who are what this Christmas are all about. The joy they have on their little faces at finding their stockings and presents are so cute to see. I feel like K's family is now a part of mine through her relationship with my dad and thus a new tradition of sorts will be born through all of this.

I am sad though at the loss of time with my mom and hate that once again I let myself be disappointed. We see things in a different light and I doubt my mom even knows just how upset I am at her decision not to come. When we talked I told her not to worry as I had a place to be if she did not come and I understood about the drive, but a huge part of me just wanted her to say

" oh I'll push through it and still come"

On the plus side got a nice surprise today in my cousin popping into my

work unexpectedly due to his new route

(he works for Amtrak)

stopping literally across the street from my work!

Fun as we haven't seen each other in about a year and it helped put my sadness after talking to my mom into perspective.

So, now I have a free day tomorrow ,as I gave away my shift in prep for my mom's visit, with absolutely nothing to do and money to spare....hhhhmmmm.

A movie?

Sushi date with myself?

Bottle of champers and some netflix?

who knows....

it's beginning to look a lot like...

2010-12-13T17:10:00.000-08:00

Christmas is my fave holiday.
It stems from great memories of my childhood holidays with all of my family around.
Even in my college years my friends and I made our own little "family" Christmas traditions, exchanging gifts, cookies and doing fun theme parties.
The last couple of years I have spent it with my mom, who doesn't decorate or do much for the "season". This is the first time in 13 years that I am in a new home with enough room to have my tree and lots of decor out.
My mom is coming to spend it with me and I am cooking our holiday meal : )
My house has smelled lovely of late with all of the baking I have been doing.
Cards are almost done, presents under the tree waiting to be wrapped and a heart full of holiday spirit are what i have right now!

stress relief

2010-11-21T20:49:00.000-08:00

I have been doing some art~craft projects of late for stress relief.

I find it nice to "play" with various mediums and see what happens.

Never have I thought of myself as a very artsy type, but maybe I just haven't found my niche.

I am learning to just try, play and see what I happen to create.

The painting above was my first attempt with acrylics.

The frame is a project I made for a friend as a Christmas gift for holding/displaying jewelry.

I saw the idea in a magazine a couple years ago & recently made one for myself. My friend adored the idea so I made her one. Also I inspired my best friends daughters to make her own...love that!

keep playing folks

2010-11-16T11:23:00.000-08:00

I know you

(my 3 big followers - ha ha)

are wondering why on earth I am actually doing 2 posts in one day?

Well, I have had a lot on my mind of late. Been going through a bit of a medical issue.

I am sure it will turn out to be nothing so not talking about it much, but I am getting a bit tired of doctors visits, tests and oh yeah, pain. I have tried to find good stuff in my life to focus on and be thankful for all the blessings I do have.

It really is one of those up & down emotional type of things if you will.

I truly know that for the most part I am blessed.

I have an amazing support system of family, friends and loved ones.

There is a roof over my head, a job I enjoy and enough money made from that job to keep me in food and such.

My health concerns are minor in comparison to what some of my friends and family have going on, so I try to forget about the pain and not be stressed.

My wish for us all this upcoming holiday season is to relax, enjoy our loved ones and appreciate all of the positive within our lives.

xoxox

running away

2010-11-16T07:23:00.001-08:00

This past week I ran away for a vacay to see one of my fab girlfriends from college.

I adore Colorado for the gorgeous scenery, kind people and just being different from California.

We did some wine & chocolate at home with quality girl talk. Shopping of course was also on our agenda as their are so many fun thrift & antique stores in her area. I played with her son who has renamed me Auntie Kristmas (so damn cute) and the adorable, but hyper beyond belief puppies. When I came home I felt refreshed and ready to deal with all of the things that had been bothering me before I left.

I read a quote this am by Marcus Aurelius

"very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking"

I love that...

good deeds lead to good feelings

2010-11-11T19:32:00.000-08:00

I made a decision this year to really enjoy the spirit of Christmas. It is my fave holiday, but I am not going to lie I find myself frustrated by how commercial it has gotten. They jump from Halloween decor to Christmas before Halloween is even finished.

Along with this desire to get back to the purer form of my love for this magical holiday I told my immediate family of my wish for them to donate their time or money to a cause they supported rather than give me a gift.

My dad had heard of a young girl in Mexico that was in need of heart surgery through a non profit run by a man he had met in Baja. He made a donation on my behalf and the letter I received in thanks was enough to make me cry while reinforcing my initial reason for doing this.

Dear Kristin:
There are moments that stop me in my tracks. Your decision to for ego a Christmas gift to give the gift of life to Itzel is already the highlight of this effort to help Itzel. The only that could top it would be a successful operation. I’m sure it will happen. I hope you get chance someday to go to El Rosario and say hello to Itzel. She will likely not recognize you but in her heart, she will know that you are someone special. To me, you are special. I hope to also meet you sometime to thank you in person. It is an honor to know you.
My warmest thanks,
Andy Schouten.

http://makeacommitment.org/

If you are looking to spread your own bit of love and goodwill within the world after reading this than please do. If you wish to help out Itzel I posted the link within this post also.

Happy Holidays to you and yours...may it be filled with love, family and all the blessings you could hope for.

halloween...

2010-11-02T07:11:00.000-07:00

So, this past weekend was Halloween, which is not my fave holiday...it is however my sweet girl A's. As I managed to get the day off from work and switch my schedule for the day after I drove down to LA to spend it with her & B at their annual Halloween party. As you can see she gets into the decor big time, so dang cute!

I was a Mexican senorita in the tackiest of ways...using my uniform from my very first ever job at 16 from El Torito.

I had the best time, just relaxing and chatting with the few people I did know there. Playing funny games, carving pumpkins and eating delicious food.

the getaway to spend some time with one of my girls was much needed as I have had a little bit of stress in my life of late and trying to find a good balance.

2010-10-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

so my last blog was about how happy I was...not so much today.
I am feeling quite down & spending the am doing 4 loads of laundry so did not help.
Trying to get my head back into a more positive space.
My life is good...just have to remind myself of that!

happy is as happy does

2010-10-05T16:31:00.000-07:00

You ever have one of those days were you are just happy...for no special reason, just happy.

Well, for me I had one of those today.

The day is nothing special really. I mean I have the day off, but that doesn't make it anything to smile about other than I didn't have to go play nice with the customers. I was woken up by my downstairs neighbor's smoke alarm malfunctioning at 7:15 am.

You would think a start like that on a day I COULD sleep in would put my mood in the downturn, but it was kind of amusing.

I stood around chatting with two of my female neighbors and planning a girls night sometime soon for a bit before heading back upstairs. I did some cleaning, watched a movie, played on FB and just relaxed.

It was cool and dreary outside today and it felt nice to not NEED to go anywhere. I guess it just boils down to finally feeling as if I am at a good place in my life. I love my new home, each day I find something else to like about it. I have amazing friends and family. I have a job that pays all of my essential bills. For the first time in a long time it is not about what I do NOT have and more about what I DO have.

Life is just good.

oh FB

2010-10-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

Just ever so tired of the drama that comes along with social networking these days. It seems as each time I log onto the FB I am seeing posts that "hint" at allegations or accusations...seriously just come out with it and say what you want to?

Is there really such a need to be so passive-aggressive?

I personally use the FB to keep updated with the lives of my friends who do not live near me and the drama just makes me not even want to log on and share my life.

oh time is a passing

2010-09-25T21:14:00.000-07:00

So, I am officially yet another year older.
Not feeling any different, but yet I am inching closer to the big 4-0.
Planning some fun stuff with some of my dearest friends for the year ahead, but right now I am focusing on me...trying to fix some issues within my life. I let things slide in the past year and want to change that. Plus I have my personal goal of being in better physical & financial shape by that next birthday...

rememberance

2010-09-11T08:23:00.001-07:00

9 years ago today something happened that changed our world.

When I logged onto FaceBook this am most of the updates from friends was about not forgetting. I honestly can't imagine that we have forgotten as most of those I know and love still remember exactly where they were. I was actually working for an airline at the time doing graveyard shifts. We sat in the break room watching the news in disbelief. The people coming into work right then were a mix of those who had just heard & those who found out as they arrived. I went home to immediately call all of my loved ones. I was in shock, trying to wrap my head around this event.

Now, it is 9 years later, I still can't wrap my head around the why of it all.

I am going to take this day as any other to celebrate those that I love, the freedoms I enjoy and the life I am blessed to have.

latest reads...

2010-09-02T11:17:00.000-07:00

Been re-reading the Harry Potter series of late because I own them in HB and felt like if I moved them I should be enjoying them. I also have literally a mountain of books waiting to be read. I do have a slight bit of guilt over the sheer number which are sitting every so patiently for me to get to them. On the other hand, I feel books are to be enjoyed & I should not feel any pressure to read something just for the sole purpose that it has sat for too long, right?
Learning that life truly is short and thus I should do with my reading as I do with most of things in my life, just let go...

hot, hot, hot

2010-08-25T08:42:00.000-07:00

I had a lovely day off yesterday in spite of the evil heat that we are experiencing right now.
I am a wimp who lives where I do as I dislike weather over 85 or so. It had the nerve to be 95 here the last couple of days. Yes, I know it is much worse in other places...however most of those places AC is a standard type of thing....not so much here. I went and bought a fan, allergy meds and frozen yogurt to cope with said heat! Today I am off to take a hike at one of my fave places on the central coast (Montana De Oro) before it gets too hot, then some cleaning of my adorable pad, then work this eve.
Doing good on my quest to be healthier, hit my 20 pound goal and now want to lose another 5 before my birthday next month. Got some fun stuff coming up in the months ahead...football is starting, going to visit some friends both in & out of state.
Just have to say that I am really enjoying my life of late.

the times are a changing

2010-08-23T14:45:00.000-07:00

I am noticing as I get older how my friendships have changed.
Some of it is me in that I choose to have relationships that are ones that give meaning and joy to my life. In years past I would be involved in relationships where I put so much of myself and got very little in return. As a goal to treat myself as well as I did others in my life I made some changes. In doing this I have found that some of those "friends" are becoming less of a factor within my life. It is not that I do not value them, but rather that I am choosing to value myself. I want people within my life that give to me emotionally what I am putting out into the world. It is more about knowing that if I called them with a problem they would be there to listen. Friends who would drop everything if I needed them as would I for them. It is about being present within my life even if they do not live nearby. A card in the mail, a short phone call to check in once a week or month, messages on FB...any little thing that shows you are being thought of.
As someone said it is all about the little things...

oh how sweet it is...

2010-08-19T12:04:00.000-07:00

life is good

nothing more

nothing less

just happy today

and thought I would share

with all 3 of my followers...haha

worked out

made a smoothie

read a magazine

ate some fruit & cheese
then I did my project for the day (see above pic)

organized my jewelry making supplies

now, 3 hours until work, where I hope to make large amounts of money on my shift

then home to watch Project Runway.

Have I mentioned how my life is good?

do you love your life?

2010-08-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

So, how do you feel about your life?

Right now is it more of a FML ( F*@k my life ) or a LML ( LOVE my life ) kind of thing?

At the moment for me as part of my intention to become a happier, healthier me I am choosing to go the LML route. I saw a blog via a friend on FB about this phenomenon and have to say it struck a chord with me.

I came through so much change in the past year and have tried hard to focus upon all that is good within my life. Not going to lie, this is not an easy thing to keep up with as we all have ups and downs in our lives. The trick is to find that silver lining in each cloud that is blocking our sun.

I must say how exceptionally blessed I am with the people within my life that make it ever so easy for me to focus on the brighter side.

My biggest LML at the moment is hitting 20 pounds lost in my quest to lose weight and get healthy. This is only my first goal, but it shows that with patience, exercise and diet I can and will do it!

just one thing...

2010-08-16T17:13:00.000-07:00

So, found a blog about a girl who is taking a year to not shop for new clothes, but rather make over thrift store & garage sale finds ( http://newdressaday.wordpress.com )

I love this idea of trying something new each day.

Trying to think what of my many projects I have put off that i could possibly do...thinking for me it might be working on jewelry pieces that I bought parts for and never finished?

On my part it would most likely be a weekly or monthly project though, not so much a daily blogger as you might have noticed, haha.

such a pretty face

2010-08-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

I read a book this morning with that title,

"such a pretty face" by cathy lamb

If you could not have guessed even a little bit from the title it has do do with a woman's self esteem issues. The main character Stevie has had a rough life, with a schizophrenic mother, being over weight and a heart attack while in her early 30's. She has a weight loss surgery to save her life, but still feels like the same fat, insecure girl inside. This book tackles some serious issues: anorexia, abusive family members and love. For me the best part of it was that there was no quick fix to all the problems laid out within it.

There is a scene where she talks about being wheeled down the hall in the hospital on the way to surgery while 2 woman talk about how obese and disgusting she is. She tells them that she has ears and just because she is fat by no means is she deaf. This struck a chord with me as someone who has battled with weight issues. People who are skinnier can sometimes feel as if by someone being overweight we lose our ability to hear when they say unkind words or laugh.

Other peoples words hold so much power of us all.

It doesn't matter if your issue is too much weight, being short, super skinny or tall...we all have feelings. The motto of think before you speak is a good lesson to remember.

I am currently on a path to become healthier. I have a long term goal of losing 100 pounds. Now that right there is sad, scary and exciting all in one simple number. The fact that I need to lose a whole 100 pounds to be considered by the American medical system as healthy is sad and scary to me. The fact that over the course of time I let my weight get away from me to that point is just scary. I think because I am doing this for me this time and not for anyone else in my life it is both easier & harder.

I am the one pushing myself to be better, healthier and yes, happier.

The experience so far has been slow. I started at the beginning of this year with the goal of being in better financial & physical shape by the time I was 40. I have 13 months to reach my goal. In the first 6 months of this year I lost 20 pounds

(yeah me...no seriously YEAH ME!)

The goals I have are to be a stronger, healthier person...not just to fit into society's normal standard of weight or size, though not going to lie it factors in.

For once, just like every other person who is of a larger size, I would like to hear that I am pretty without any sort of a qualifier.

If you just lost a few pounds....

Oh, you were so pretty/skinnier when you were younger...

While the sentiment is nice, it is much nicer for someone to simply say

You are lovely just as you are.

The best compliments I have received of late had little to do with my outer appearance and everything to do with me as a person.

I thank the people who said them to me for they remind me that I am a good person, a loving friend and a happy soul.

To be honest I think I have met very few people who are truly happy with there appearance, but there is no one who is harder on us than ourselves!

My goal through this period of change is to embrace who I am, faults and all.

I want to accept the things about myself that I may not like, change what I can and move forward when I can't.

This sounds so simple...yet it is so hard.

Putting numbers down on a piece of paper,calendar or even on here makes it real.

I can only hope that I have the strength to achieve my goals...even it takes more time that I hope...slow and steady wins the race, right?

late night deep thoughts and ramblings...

2010-08-12T22:21:00.000-07:00

You know what I truly wish...
to see myself as viewed through my friends eyes.
I want to see how I am viewed by others in the world.
How my actions are perceived?
I know the spirit in which things are said or given, but you always wonder if they are taken within that same spirit?
This comes about through some issues I have had with various friends in the past year.
Over the course of my life I have been the one in relationships that tends to give more of myself, and now I want my relationships to become more equal.
In trying to treat myself better I am learning that some of my past relationships, both friendships & romantic were toxic ones for me.
I gave so much of me, that when they ended I was left feeling as if I had lost some pieces of myself.
Not to say that all these relationships were/are bad. I have learned, grown and treasure each experience as it shaped me into the person I am today....which I think is a pretty amazing one.

2010-08-10T22:25:00.000-07:00

sangria is super delish after a long eve of work, or even an not so long evening, teehee

the more things change the more they stay the same...

2010-08-09T16:09:00.001-07:00

Do you ever feel like there are just little signs all around you that you just don't notice until something just flat out hits you in your face? I saw a few old friends lately who seemed so amazed at how my life had changed since we last talked. In retrospect I guess there were signs of wanting a change that i saw, but others around me did not. I left a job I had been at for more than half a decade, a house I lived in for more than a decade. I cleansed memories, too many belongings and even some people out of my life in the course of this period of change. It started with the job, a place were I had not been happy for while yet had not taken the advice I give to others that if you don't like where you work then find a place you do. life is too short to be unhappy over things you CAN control. I found myself much happier over all, but frustrated with my money situation. Finally got that back on track only to have the house situation occur. I loved that little beach side cottage...and always will, but in many ways leaving it was the best thing to happen to me. I was cocooning in that small house in a very small town. I had let my belongings take over my home and the sheer amount of things I gave to friends, sold or donated amazed me and yet it felt so freeing.
I am living in a bigger space and my goal is to get rid of even more stuff so I can really enjoy the freedom of that space. I am hopeful that remembering how it was in the old place will help me in this process. Embrace the change...or as someone famous once said " be the change you wish to see in the world"

is less really more?

2010-08-08T21:41:00.000-07:00

I read an interesting article on consumerism and living with less today. It was sent to me via my dad, who is a big believer in these ideas. Well, I am learning to let go, albeit slowly. Just this past weekend I took 2 car loads of my "stuff" to Goodwill. I had a hard time getting rid of some of my more fabulous items....like my stuffed animals. Yes, I am 38 and own stuffed animals, don't judge me. One of the ones I let go was the hippo I got a child from a trip to the San Diego Zoo which when I was losing my teeth I "pulled" the foam teeth from. I also found a strange picture that a boy I dated for like a minute in hs had drawn.

Some of these things I moved countless times and stored in boxes much to my amazement. I am trying very hard in my new space to have the pieces of art, photos, books and furniture be things that inspire memories and/or have function in my everyday life.

Not going to lie that this attempt to live with less is easy in any way, shape or form. However that is not going to stop me from treading forward in my battle. All I know is that the next time I move I would really like it to be easier!

2010-08-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

Headed down to San Diego to celebrate my mom's 65th birthday (where does the time go?)
It seems quite strange to go south and not have my bestie to stop and see. I am looking forward to a special day with my mom though. Doing a mini version of Monterey since neither of us could afford the getaway to there right now I am trying my best to re create it! Did a lovely dinner at Benihana this eve ( a place we do when we go to Monterey) and tomorrow it is off to Scripps Aquarium in La Jolla before doing lunch at Monterey Bay Canner's at Oceanside Harbor. Should be fun...might have pics to follow.

happy day

2010-07-31T09:12:00.000-07:00

On this day 39 years ago one of my best friends was born. We have been through so very much over the years and I am truly blessed to have her in my life, good times and bad! Wishing my sweet cmg the happiest of happy days! I love you crazy girl...

2010-07-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

OK, so I suck at this whole blogging thing. I do think of lots to say, but find it hard for myself to get to the computer to do it as I am just so busy actually living my crazy life.
This past 3 months has been filled with changes. I have experienced loss of a family member, moved 2 times, travelled to visit family out of state and worked to afford all of it.
I am loving my new place. It has a sense of peacefulness which I love. The location being so close to downtown was not a big draw when I looked at the place, but has become a major plus. ^ blocks to the library, 3 to my bank and 5 to my job...plus super close to a variety of food and adult beverage choices!
Now, if I could just get completely unpacked and organized my life would be amazing...one box at a time, day by day!

letting go

2010-06-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing much on this blog. My life has been a bit crazy, quite a bit of which I hadn't shared though I have blogged, I did not post them. I needed some time to process things on my own. I tend to withdraw a little bit when I am going through major changes...and I think moving after 13 years falls within that category!

My focus of late has been to try and make a better balance within my life. I am eating healthier, working out more and trying to spend time with all of my friends.

Going to look at some apartments today to see what my money will bring me...

pressure...

2010-05-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it here...

the moment where I break down

I knew it was coming, but it really hit me hard today.

I went to drive out of Avila to head to my temporary housing, but was going to need to come back tomorrow to get the tail end of my stuff. It is Beer Fest here in town in addition to being Memorial Day weekend. This means madness of people, young drunken college kids, families and escapees from the central Valley areas. This year seemed worse than previous years in the crunch of people and cars in that it took me 15 minutes to get from my house to the freeway. Gave me serious flashbacks to the year Unocal put on fireworks on the 3rd of July...madness!

So, in my head I was thinking...ok, I will never have to deal with this again.

Then it hit me, I will NEVER have to do this again. I cried for the entire drive home.

I know deep down that I will come out of this experience in a better place, but the actual process of it is really hitting me hard emotionally. Trying to focus on my positive aspects, but the idea of change is always more fun than the reality of it!

sad...

2010-05-12T11:58:00.000-07:00

Knowing all I know about this world means nothing when I lose someone dear to me in my life. My sweet uncle passed away today, after a period of illness, but years of health problems. I love that I have great memories of him, as he was an awesome man. A good uncle, brother, son, father, husband who touched many lives. He will be missed. My sadness comes not only from my own feeling of loss, but also seeing my father lose his baby brother. I wish for a better place for Lee where ever he is now, hopefully keeping an eye on his loved ones from there.

may day may day

2010-05-01T08:41:00.000-07:00

So it is the first of May, otherwise known as May Day in some countries and religions.

For me it is the start of a long and stressful month full of changes. I will be leaving my home of 13 years this month and have yet to figure out just where I am going next...

I am trying to embrace all of the good things to come out of this, but not going to lie I have been filled with anxiety over not knowing where these changes will be taking me.

slow and steady

2010-04-25T09:34:00.000-07:00

I am starting to appreciate how easy it is to accumulate stuff and how hard it is to decide what to do with said stuff when you move. I have an amazingly large collection of books, an abundance of glass & pottery collected over the course of many years that are ever so hard to decide what is worth packing...though I am going with "can it be replaced?" I am going to be staying at a smaller place for a couple of months and then who knows where, thus trying to really move as little as possible!

I am amazed at the things that I feel I can't part with, the furniture is easy, but the art& knick knacks are killing me! I have until June 7th, but my goal is to be out of this place by May 31 so it is only about a month to get it all done...oh my.

Just breathe and focus on something each day...that is my mantra!

books, books and more books

2010-04-12T10:53:00.000-07:00

omg do have enough books...um yes I do! my goodness I just sorted through my first of 6 bookshelves and found that I was only willing to move about 1/3 of them so far. I have a feeling the books & kitchen stuff will be where I have issues parting with them. trying to look at it as if I can't replace it I can keep it....so hard though!

housing and packing stress

2010-04-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

I am just a little bit stressed about the whole idea of moving. I find myself focusing on the most random of things, having to call to shut off my utilities, finding boxes to pack up all of my "stuff" and of course the biggie....where on earth this next stage of my life will take me. Much to my surprise I am finding that so far the sorting through my stuff has involved letting go of quite a lot. My feeling is this is a chance to let go of baggage, both conceptual & real. I want to be more like my dad who retired to Mexico with the clothes that fit in the saddlebags on his motorcycle (with a few boxes stored under my house) though to be realistic I know I am not able to let go of that much!

It is a great thing to strive for though...ok, back to packing boxes.

possibilities...

2010-04-07T12:49:00.000-07:00

So, I found out today via certified letter that my landlord feels my house needs a major overhaul and I have 2 months to find a new place to live.

I would say this is a shock, but it would be a lie as they had not responded to my calls in regards to a leak in my roof. My thought was that they were either going to fix it & raise my rent or do this. The big thing is that I have been here for close to 13 years and it seems so surreal to be packing up my many belongings and finding a new home.

The possibilities are endless though. I can stay within my same town, move somewhere else locally, or move out of state.

so many things to think about & options to weigh...

letting go...

2010-03-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

I am working on my intention

(I just think most of us break resolutions so I like this terminology better)

for the new year to be a happier, healthier me. Thus in the spirit of that I have been working on decreasing the clutter in my house. I am amazed at the sheer number of books I own. I always knew it was a lot, but oh my. Currently I have 4 bags sitting by my door, 1 is going to a friend for her reading pleasure, 2 more are for the yard sale and the last is being taken to the local hospital as a donation. I love the feeling of letting go of this stuff, yet knowing that someone else will find joy from it.

Another thing I am doing is trying to change some habits I have that are not as good as they could be. I feel like I spend too much time playing on my computer when I could be exercising or spending time with those in my life who matter to me. In the spirit of that I deleted my twitter account. I basically use it to complain about stuff and part of my intention is to focus on the positive so why have it. As you might have noticed I haven't been blogging quite as much these days, but want to still have an outlet for my crazy thoughts so I will be popping on every once in a while still.

This week I am going to attempt a mini cleanse to get back into a healthier diet.

To be honest the foods I will be eating is how we should all eat every day.

It is fruits, veggies, lean proteins and no processed foods.The bottom line is if it comes from a package you shouldn't eat it. The hardest part will be the sweet stuff, I am only allowed 1 ounce of dark chocolate per day.

We shall see how the week goes.

1/2 update

2010-03-12T22:53:00.000-08:00

SOOOOO,

my attempt to clean out my house of some it's clutter and pass along my items to charity is slowly going. My friend will be having a yard sale in a month or so to benefit the American Cancer Society and thus far I have given her a wall shelf and 12 bags of assorted household items. I went through all of my books

(anyone who knows me realizes just how big of a deal that was)

and passed along in some manner my duplicate copies or books that have sat for much too long!

Next step is under the bed and my DVD collection, wish me luck

the half project, my version

2010-02-22T09:42:00.001-08:00

I read an article about this family who decided to stop taking & start giving. They sold their million dollar home, purchased a smaller one at half the price and gave $80,000 to charity.

I love to hear about this sort of thing.

I don't have much financially to give, but I do have quite a bit in the way of possessions.

I am doing a major cleaning of my home this year, a true spring cleaning, and have found for me it is not so much about making money as it is being free of those items that have been hiding under the bed or in the closet.

I want to own my possessions, not have them own me.

side note here, if you have never heard George Carlin's bit on stuff....check it out!

I found some things I of course will keep, like my photos and fave books, but also found lots of stuff I do not know why I felt the need to hold onto.

My goal is to have at least 2 bags of items going to a local thrift store, homeless shelter or just given away via freecycle to someone who needs it each week until I am purged of all of it.

wish me luck as this is going to be a major undertaking for me.

hhhmmm

2010-02-21T22:01:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am changing, evolving...though into what I am not entirely sure.

My friends are in different places than they were and also in different places than I am. I am happier than I have been in forever, yet am wishing for more. Why on earth are we never satisfied?

We want to have more money, less weight, bigger and better everything.

Why?

What will this do for us?

I know for me a bigger house would just mean I had to spend more money to live in it and I would probably fill it with even more stuff I didn't need.

Someone once said to me when you are thinking of moving do not ask what can't you live without, but rather what can you live with? What do you need to be comfortable and survive?

I need a bed, some books, comfy clothes and blankets. I need my friends, I need my family, I need a job that makes me happy & pays me enough to pay those necessary bills.

Oh, wait...I have all of that!

So, what do I have to complain about?

2010-02-19T08:21:00.000-08:00

So, in my massive cleaning undertaking I found a huge amount of photos from the past decade. I worked at the same restaurant job for most of it, 2002-2008, and had some amazing times that were over shadowed by how bad it was at the end. Finding these pics made me remember the better times, the fabulous people I met through there and the fun experiences.

I posted almost 200 pics on FB as many of my old crew is on there & I felt they would enjoy it also...and they did.

The funniest thing to come of it for me though was having a couple of people ask me to take off a certain pic of them as they felt they looked fat or ugly in it. Got to say while I did that for them, if I did that with every pic of me from the past 2 decades I did not like

there might be about 5 pics total.

Why is it that we are never satisfied with ourselves. We always want to be skinnier, have a better job, nicer house etc.

I am trying to live in the now. Be happy with the things I have, including this body of mine. Is it in the best shape it could be? no. Am I working on making it better, thus me better by being a healthier, and possibly happier me? yes.

One thing I will say is that regardless of what I weighed in these pics I found, I was happy in them. That means more to me at this point in my life than anything else so I am letting go of all the rest!

out damn spot

2010-02-17T12:14:00.000-08:00

I am taking today to do a major house cleaning. Opened up the windows to let the sun in, cranked up some tunes and dug in. At a stopping point right now due to there being a load in both the washer & dryer at the moment so thought I'd pop off a lil blog action, go me.

It is always amazing to me how when you are doing a big clean like this your house can look even worse as you do it. I mean currently I have bedding piled on my couch, clothes all over the bed and luggage from my trip last month waiting to be put away in the closet.

If I had to walk away right now for any reason I would be quite embarrassed for anyone else to see this place!

On the positive side of things I do see the light at the end of this cleaning tunnel. I have 3 bags of stuff I want to donate sitting by my front door and have a box of books ready to go out in the post today, which means less in Mt. TBR.

I will get fresh sheets to sleep on this eve and the smell that comes from a clean home after my ever so long 4 hour shift at work.

silver and gold

2010-02-16T09:32:00.000-08:00

There is a saying about friends being either silver or gold, new or old. I have a friend that is a huge part of my life as she has been a part of it for so long. We went through first kisses, driving & first cars, high school with all of it's dramas, boys, clothing fads, drinks, graduation, college, marriage and babies (those the last two were all her!)
There are have been great times and some that were hard. We always come through it all stronger than ever. I just drove the 5 hour distance between us for one last day of spending time just the two of us as within 2 weeks she is moving out of state. It meant the world to me to get some time for us to just be together, no big party or night out of drinking. We sat on the couch went shopping and to the beach, ate, talked and just were there enjoying each other's company.
I know that while we will not be able to see each other as often, we have a special bond which will not disappear with even more distance being put between us.
I love my sweet cmg and will start saving my pennies for a visit to the "wilds" of Montana.

falling to pieces

2010-02-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

I thought the whole having your body fall to pieces thing happened when you got older, like 50 older not 38! This has been a strange 6 months for me medically. While I have always had a bout of bronchitis or strep each year, from childhood on...it is kind of my norm this year it kicked in hard. In the last 6 months though I have had in the following order; kidney infection, kidney infection, ovarian cyst, bronchitis then damage to my chest wall from coughing so much while having said bronchitis, now I managed to jack up my shoulder somehow and still have a cough after weeks of meds and rest.

I mean really? What the chatta? I am taking multi-vitamins again for the first time in years, also melatonin for sleeping better.

(which is AMAZING, I mean I am actually sleeping a full 7-8 hours each night...crazy talk)

Also my diet is much more on track than in previous times, but yet my body still has issues and is trying to fall apart...well ain't gonna happen man. I am bound and determined to have this be my year of treating this body of mine better & it needs to return the favor!

um, yeah

2010-01-28T08:58:00.000-08:00

so I basically suck at being online enough to blog on a regular basis...I have 4 half finished blogs saved from the past month and with all my free time of late have been working on making them complete.
Why do I have so much free time you ask? oh well it has to do with not taking care of myself enough and getting much sicker than a person needs to. I am looking at a 6 week period of healing and under orders to rest as much as possible. um, we shall see how that works for me.

friends come and go

2010-01-22T11:30:00.000-08:00

I have been sad this past month since I got news that my best friend was moving out of state.
I know we will still talk on the phone & touch base through the lovely social media of facebook, but it is still a big change. She is moving to Montana of all places...and I do get why. Finances, family and a need for change. All valid and to be honest I left first and shouldn't be upset that she is following my lead of change. I never gave any thought to my friends when I made my choices to move, be it from where I live now to go back to San Diego for college or my decision to return here after college.
I know that I will make the effort to go see her, it is just that the ease of seeing her is being taken away. She currently lives in the town in which we went to hs, where my mom still lives. I could combine seeing my family and hers in one trip that was a reasonable drive to do.
I will be going down to see her for one last hurrah sometime in the next month before the big move. A chance to run around to some of our fave places and make even more lasting & lovely memories. I will savor those as things from this point on will change, only the future will tell what lies ahead, but I know that she will remain in it although much further away.

new year new start

2010-01-05T09:07:00.000-08:00

I plan on focusing in on making me into a better person this year.

Now this is not about resolutions, such as losing weight or getting a better job or out of debt....though these things might occur.

Rather it is about finding what makes me a happier, better person.

I want to look at the glass as half full, not half empty.

I want to feel as if I am the one in control of my life, not others.

I want friends and family around me that support me, helps me celebrate all of the good in my life & theirs. and gives a hand or shoulder in the bad times.

I wish for brighter times and good memories to come from them.

I wish this for myself and those I love surrounding me.

I plan on making changes that might make some around me question, however it is my life to live and I want it to be the best one I can be living.

It is time to purge myself of the people who doubt me or bring me down.

Purging my house of items that have no use or just not used is also in the cards.

Reading many of the books upon my shelves and working on my garden are on this list also.

So many things and so much time to attempt them....

merry happy joyful to you

2009-12-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

certain holidays are more fun for me than others. I adore Christmas, I know a lot of people hate it, but I love the spirit of it. I enjoy finding a gift I know someone will love. I like all of the decorating. Plus I have super fond memories from childhood of this season.

Simply put I just like it as it makes me happy.

This year I was lucky enough to work jobs that were actually closed for the holidays(amazing)

and thus got to drive down to SD and spend some time with my family & friends.
I treasured this bit of time as life has been a bit crazy this past year. I am choosing to think of the holidays as a time for a fresh start...let's hope that 2010 has great new things in store.

hhmmm, yeah

2009-12-02T11:19:00.001-08:00

So, in my last blog I mentioned that I created an online profile in the attempt to "put myself out there" and so far it is just amusing the heck out of me. I got the usual weird dude that was hey yumm yumm I want some (oh yeah he said that) and now a flirtatious lil 23 year old is wanting to go out. I don't know how I feel about a 15 year age gap, but the boy is kinda cute....lol. The main word there is boy, so young. We shall see what happens, but if nothing else it gives me a good laugh at a time when due to health crap I could use them!

I will keep you updated on the latest and greatest of my online dating adventures.

getting out there

2009-12-01T10:01:00.000-08:00

So, I will be the first to admit that I am bad at putting myself out there as far as dating goes.

The town in which I live is extremely small and while I love my lil shangri-la the dating pool here is more like a kiddie wading pool than anything else.

Being in close proximity to a college town really doesn't help matters either as I know I am a good bit older than half the boys we will see when we head out to the bars in town.

So, just how do you get out and meet people? Well, if you are me and tired of hearing from your friends that you have been single for much too long...you sign up on an online dating site and hope for the best.

Yes, I joined the cyber dating revolution this am.

I have tried Match.com before and all my matches were out of the area(which I was all like...HELLO, the point is to meet people near you right?)

This time I went for the free site, plentoffish.com.

There actually seems to be decent guys on there from profiles I have browsed through already. I need to find a couple of good (realistic also) pics to post and make my intro a bit longer, but I did start it.

Who knows what it could bring, but if I got a new friend or two out of it then great.

I'll keep you posted on the events that follow!

gobble gobble

2009-11-26T20:11:00.000-08:00

Had a lovely Thanksgiving meal today, very much on the low key side. Went to my dad's to eat with him & his girlfriend. K cooked up a turkey, smashers, gravy and I brought over rolls, a corn casserole & pie. We watched some football, ate some good food and shared some good conversation. It was amongst the least stressful holidays I have had in recent years and I love that! Hope everyone had as good a day as me.

play day

2009-11-20T09:19:00.001-08:00

I treated myself to a play day yesterday and went thrift store shopping. I haven't been doing that as I am trying very hard to stick to a tight budget right now.
I spent $30 yesterday and got a fabulous, funky ocean painting in a great vintage frame, a punch bowl still in it's original box, some books (as I have a small book addiction) and a few frames that I will be personalizing for my holiday gift giving.

I absolutely love hunting through things that others no longer want and imagining stories of who they might have belonged to. Personally I love that the majority of furniture I own has come from thrift stores or garage sales. I have spent less money and gotten items that speak to me in some way. My style is eclectic to be certain, things I like might not be the things others like, however since they are for me alone it doesn't matter.

To me my house is a reflection of who I am, it shows all aspects of my personality from the girly to the goofy. I treasure all of my pictures as they reflect places I have traveled and people I love. To me the ultimate compliment is someone telling me how comfortable they feel in my home. It is my haven from the world and if others feel even a portion of that then I have done something right.

things to be thankful for

2009-11-19T09:33:00.000-08:00

So, it is that time of year when we think of all the things we are thankful for.

the obvious come to mind when you sit down for that big family meal; family, friends and their support.

Here are some things I am thankful for right now in my life.

The people who while not blood related to me are my family.

A & B for the amazingly wonderful people they are. There are so many little things they do that make them so dear do me, letting me drop in to stay the eve before I fly out to visit other friends, dropping me off at the fly away or picking me up from LAX. Above all of that I would not have my sweet little cherry darling if it were not for them & each day as I drive that lil car I think of their generosity.

One of the highlights of my week is my phone chat with A, we catch up on all of the big & little details of our lives and even when we talk about nothing I feel better for it.

D in CO for flying me out to visit when I really needed an attitude adjustment. She knew that I was going thru a hard time in my life and helped me out by just being her. The perspective and love that she shares with me on a daily basis helps keep me sane.

DJ S for being my partner in crime here in crazyville, sometimes I just need to hang out with someone who understands the ups & downs to this sweet lil town in which we live. She gets that while I can be a girly girl I love a good football game, as does she, and can toss back the drinks as well as some of the boys we know. I thank her ex and my brother's ex for allowing us to have met and become friends, just shows good things can come out of the bad.

DK, even though we have had a very rocky year and are still working towards what we once had I am happy to have you in my life. You were there through so many major life moments with me and I truly cannot imagine my life without you in it.

My brother, mom and dad of course for being the individuals they are and for helping me when I need it.

Each one brings something different and special to my life.

I really am the person I am today because of the people who surround me.

This past year and these people have made me into the person I am right now and each day are giving me the love and support to keep growing.

I am thankful for my two obs.

I love working at each of them as they are like little families.

For the first time in many years I actually look forward to going to work.

My sweet lil house by the sea, it is a constant work in progress, but it is my home & sanctuary.

The fact that there is food in fridge, a roof over my head and money to pay for all of these.

I am truly blessed to be living this life and having the chance to share it with all of you.

much love

try, try, and try again

2009-11-18T14:00:00.000-08:00

I am learning that you truly do not know what you are capable of until you try.

I tend to underestimate myself and my own ability to accomplish things. In the past I let myself get frustrated at certain struggles and even found that I would quit at some things because of this. Now I am trying to push past what others might think of my attempts and do it for myself. I might not succeed, but I feel much better for the efforts.

This past year has brought a series of changes in my life, some small, some larger, but I am finding the person I want to be along this journey.

I feel emotionally and mentally stronger than I was at this same time last year. The people that are in my life are here for a reason, I should take freely what they give to me and embrace the effects they have upon my life.

In all honesty I feel we should make the world a better place for being in it. This is a simple concept really, what little things can you do to enhance the world around you.

Can you take a moment to recycle that bottle of water when you are done enjoying it?

Will you smile at a stranger to brighten their day?

Make a friend smile by calling, emailing or texting them out of the blue, just so they know they were thought of?

All of these things make our world better in minute ways, yet they cost us very little in the way of money, time or effort.

Think about what things you can do in your own circle to create a better world for you and yours.

be thankful...

2009-11-17T21:05:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting experience today. I was at the second of my two jobs which is waitress in a small family restaurant. We had a mere 15 minutes until closing, it had been a VERY slow evening and I was feeling slightly sorry for myself at not making much in the way of tips. I heard the door open and in wanders a homeless man, hard to tell his age as he just looked worn, if you know what I mean. If I had to guess I would say in his 40's, but he could have been as young as 30. Anyway he asks how much coffee is and I said we had none, but I could brew a pot & it was $1.75. He then asked for a cup of water and I gave it to him in a to go cup as I wasn't sure if he was staying. He proceeded to sit at a booth and eat some sugar off of a spoon while drinking some water. I didn't talk to him much, but let him sit as it was cold outside. After about 15 minutes he left, thanking me for letting him come in. I had put a couple of rolls and some butter in a to go box, but then my boss came & I wasn't sure how he would feel about it, so I ended up not giving it to the man and just taking it home.
Then as I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from this experience I encountered another homeless person, this time a young pregnant woman sitting by the carts outside of the local Ralph's. She asked if I had a spare dollar or two & I told her I would see what I had after buying my groceries. I knew I would be giving her money, but I only had twenty dollar bills and as much as I would like to help that is more than I could afford. So, after purchasing my couple of items I went out and gave her a few dollars and offered her the rolls, which she said would be nice.
Now, I know her sitting there could be a scam, I gave her $4 and saw another guy also giving her a few, but I have to trust my gut and feel like I was helping someone who needed it. It made me be ever so thankful for the money I did make this evening. It might not have been as much as I wanted, but it was enough for what I needed to get on my way home. (milk & oj)
We sometimes need to be reminded to stop and appreciate what is in our lives. I know that while my life has been hard this past year from being laid off, which brought major changes & upsets within my life, I had the support of my family and friends. I didn't lose my adorable rental house, or my car. I had a roof over my head, food in my fridge and the basic necessities to live. I have cut back on extras, I rarely go out to eat. I do not have cable or go to the movies often ( thank heavens for netflix!)
I learned to live on even tighter of a budget than ever before and through it I feel like I became a better person. I hope that the next time you see a homeless person on the street you take a moment to be thankful for all you do have and if possible find a way to give back.

bleh

2009-11-02T11:06:00.000-08:00

been a bit irritated with some people and things of late, thus not in the mood to blog much. also woke up today with a bit of a headache and a stuffy nose, I sound like crap & so had to get my shift covered as I sound too yucky to serve food. life is just grand...

flirting

2009-10-31T23:58:00.000-07:00

Halloween night it seems as become a night to dress in slutty costumes and find people to flirt with. I spent this eve at work, then off to my local bar to hang with some friends where I did a small amount of flirting with a guy I know. He is a sweet guy, but not relationship material. He has a way though of making you feel like you are special at that moment. I like that feeling and it makes me miss getting out there more.

africa hot

2009-10-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days have been ever so hot here. Like Africa hot. I am not one who enjoys the heat in case you couldn't tell. My sweet lil house also has no insulation or AC so when it gets hot outside it gets HOT inside. I don't sleep well when it is hot, not that I sleep so well the rest of the time, but still. I have this odd quirk of liking it to be cold when I sleep, so when it is hot I have a hard time sleeping. Part of the problem is that I like a blanket over me, it is part of my little routine...and when it is hot it is not possible to have a cover on without sweating.
I used to have a comfy couch in the living room that enabled me to sleep under the window fan when it got this hot. My new couch is comfy for sitting & short naps, but all night it would be hard on the back for sure. Hopefully this bit of heat will be passing quickly, I for one am ready for sweater weather!

did you ever?

2009-10-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever played this game?
One person asks "did you ever?" and you respond if you have.
It can be a silly drinking game, one in which to get to know people better or just plan strange. I remember playing it in college while dating a boy and learning some things about him that made me not want to be dating him anymore.
I don't miss dating, but I do miss some of the good things about the act of being in the dating world. The flutters you get inside when you have your first kiss with a boy you like. The point which you get comfortable enough with the one you are dating to stay in and watch a movie in your pjs with no make up. Having them meet your friends for the first time & waiting to hear if they approve?
I watch the good and bad of my friends relationships and most of the time I am ever so happy being single. There are times though that I wish for those feelings again. Then there are times that I feel like being in a relationship would make me lose some of my fiercely fought for independence.
I think back fondly on my past and the men & boys who made my love life so interesting. These people helped shape who I am today, for good or bad. They made me want to not settle and date someone just for the sake of being a couple. They gave me confidence in myself to make choices that might hurt at the time, but are best in the long run. They are in the past for a reason, but they have not been forgotten.

bleh

2009-10-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

I woke up feeling not quite 100% and debated finding someone to work my shift. Then I got a phone call from my dad telling me of the loss of one of our family. A sad and senseless accident that took away a daughter, sister, mother and cousin from our family. The sky is grey and cloudy today and suits my mood. I have calls into a couple of my co-workers as I honestly don't think I could fake the happiness I would need tonight for my shift.

reunion

2009-10-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

This week I had my 20th high school reunion. I debated whether or not to go in the first place as most of my group from hs choose not to attend. In the end I decided I was interested in seeing the changes of the people with whom I went to school.
Back in the day I had a small group of friends that I hung out with at my school, but I never was into any activities or even dated anyone who went to my school.
At the last minute I decided to take my best friend, with whom I have been having some problems of late, as we knew many of the same people and I thought it would be a fun way for us to be together once again. It was a great evening in the end, though I will bring much comfier shoes in the future for such events!
I saw and talked to a few people from hs that I was interested in catching up with and also some that to be honest I didn't even remember. We took silly pictures, danced and drank way too much wildcat juice. All in all it was a great evening and I look forward to the 30th.

changes

2009-09-29T00:37:00.000-07:00

I made a decision that this life I live is pretty darn good, but like most people

I feel there are many things I could change.

I have always said that if you don't like something....then change it.

So, on that note I am going to make an effort to improve the areas in which I feel I could use it. I love my friends and where I live, but the dating pool here is more like a wading pool. I also have a long list of house & garden projects that I had lots of time for with my semi unemployed state, but very little money. Thanks to my new job this is changing, happily I look forward to doing some of this grunt work as it is fun for me.

The next big thing is my health. I need to place more of a priority on my eating & exercise habits. I have a goal of being in better a financial & physical place by the time I am 40.

(this gives me 2 years to reach my final goals)

My short term health goal is to be eating more fruits & veggies, less processed foods and to lose 10% of my body weight. I am so not going to be posting my #'s on this blog.

(you guys can feel free to cheer me on, but you don't need to actually know my weight,lol)

so, here is to starting to better the rest of my life...

um, yeah

2009-09-21T07:37:00.000-07:00

So, I kinda suck at this updating of the blog action. I have been super busy of late with the new job and now a fabulous out of state vacay. I do have things to say, but there really has been a major lack of free time. Promise to be a bit better and get on at least once a week....maybe?
haha

no comment

2009-09-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

AAAGGGGHHHH

Seriously bothers me when you get an apology that has hints of accusation in it. I am no longer going to apologize for how and what I feel. I think we are all entitled to our feelings. You are only responsible for yourself. You can't help how you feel and should never feel bad for them. The thing I have learned in this past year is that people can share how they feel, but you can do nothing about how other people receive it. So, I can't control what is being sent my way, but only my thoughts & feelings I get from them.

I will say along with this that I have learned to swallow back lots of things I would love to say. I feel like some of them would be good for me to say, but have either no effect or a negative effect upon the other person so what is the point. I might feel better, but would it help the situation...no.

if you haven't lived it...

2009-08-19T18:06:00.000-07:00

I find that most people who go out to eat have never worked in a restaurant, but have very high expectations for how those employees should work. I got involved in a couple of discussions on tipping policies with friends over the past few days. Most people feel that a tip is something to be earned. I am OK with that idea for the most part. We should be providing you with the chance to get food and drinks brought to you in a timely manner and be what you wanted. However, we are not slaves or servants. Ask us, do not tell us, and you will find you get faster & happier service. After all we are people too.
As for what percent you tip...well all I can say is the "norm" these days is 15% at least. Our fabulous government taxes us on 10% of our sales, thus if you decide we were not up to your standards and leave less than that 10% we are actually losing money on your table.
I will say I find most people to be fair in their tipping. I have only a couple of times in my 20+ years within the industry not gotten a tip at all (being stiffed as we call it) and rarely get 10% there are times though.
There are those who say get a "real" job. I honestly can not tell you how much that bothers me. Being a server is a real job. It has both good and bad sides to it. Great flexibility, people and money. The people and money can be negatives at times too.
I left serving for a while, did back of the house and management duties only to find I worked harder for less money. I got more respect from people in saying I was a floor manager, but got more stress, hours and no more money. I will take the negative of being a server as for me the positive completely out ways it.

feast or famine

2009-08-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

really it is one or the other.
I have been treading along of late with my 2 part time jobs (20 or so hours per week between them) that still didn't pay me enough to be able to go off of my supplemental unemployment of the past 7 months. Now, I got a serving job that is 3 shifts (yippee!) and thus gave notice at my bookkeeping gig. So, now at the moment I have 3 jobs, though it will be down to 2 in about 2 weeks. Having said this I also got a call back from another restaurant I applied to last week looking for a server. If the hours were for the ones I have open I might be interested. It would be like working one full time job, just divided by 3 jobs...haha. The cool thing is that as of 2 weekends from now I will have Sundays as my one full day off from all jobs! Just in time for football...woot woot! yeah, I am that girl.
So, I will keep you updated but for now I am back in the world of waiting tables and smiling for tips : )

twice in one day?

2009-08-10T13:13:00.000-07:00

Social networking is good and bad. Sites like Facebook & twitter can keep you updated on the dramas and celebrations of those you know. It can also make you feel like you are back in high school all over again. I logged on this weekend to FB only to find that I couldn't access a couple of friends profiles. One did not show up at all, the other just didn't show up to me. I guess I got dropped! Now, I wonder, did this person decide to not have me as their friend due to events going on that they didn't want me to know about? Or did they just clean their page and thought, we never talk...bye bye. Who knows. The other profile is back today, so maybe FB was being crazy or perhaps the person did some adjusting of their page. Not quite sure. All I do know is that this site is currently the only contact I have with some people and that is a bit sad to me. While I applaud the being able to get in contact with people from hs, old coworkers and family that lives all over the world I wish that some of those I am closer to would make more effort to pick up the phone rather than sending me a flower, drink or tacky 80's gift on FB. Maybe I want too much from people. I also prefer to talk on the phone rather than text. I think texting should be for small things like I'll be there in 20 or do you need something from the store? Not hearing about the death of someone you know. (oh yeah got news this way in the past year)
Maybe I am not embracing the digital age as well as others, but I think we are losing a bit of the personal touch with all of this technology. I miss hour long phone talks with my friends and emails that contained more than jokes. Don't even get me started on the seemingly lost concept of letter writing.

been a while

2009-08-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

I have had many a thought to write about on here, but a severe lack of time or desire to actually write them. It has been a long couple of weeks of fighting a lovely summer cold, helping friends to celebrate the anniversaries of their birth and working in order to be able to keep the roof over my head for another month.
The weather turned in the last couple of days also from glorious warm weather to grey gloomy fog which drags my mood further south. I like most people on this earth intensely dislike being sick. I love that I can sit at home in my sweats today and wallow in my not feeling 100%
I woke up this am with my eyes quite red and puffy due to the smoke in the air & allergies, not the best look for anyone. I feel better than I have for the last couple of days, but in my typical pattern I am sounding & looking even worse!
On the positive side of things I got a unexpected windfall from my neighbor for keeping an eye out on their house and cat this past month. Then on top of that I found $20 while walking to the post office. I just might treat myself to sushi today or tomorrow to celebrate, as I was good and paid 2 bills first so I feel like a little splurge is allowed.
For now I am off to watch season 2 of Pushing Daisies and relax.

late night thoughts

2009-08-03T21:56:00.000-07:00

OK, so it's not so late, but still...

I hate when people tell you one thing, but yet their actions speak a different tale.
To most the old adage actions really do speak louder than words really does apply.
If you say I matter to you, make some modest amount of effort at least.
Try telling me things, anything, as long as it is not a lie.
Just as I should do with you.
Be there when I need you, not just when it is fun for you to be there for me.
Let me be there for you, not just when it is comfortable for you to need me.
This is what relationships are all about.
It is not about right and wrong.
Nor is is about who can spend the most money.
Or the amount of time you can carve out of your life.
It is about letting people into your life, sharing the good, the bad and all the crap that can fall between.
It is about knowing when it is time to step back, but also when that step is moving a little bit to far away.
It is about truth, ugly as it might be.
It is about caring enough to tell people your secrets and stories that made you into the amazing person you are today.

Where is this coming from you might ask.
Not where you might think!
This is not a remark on the dramas of some of my friendships of late, though there is truths within what I just wrote which can apply there.
In a conversation I had with a dear friend today I realized there was obviously things from my past I had not shared with her. Now I consider this woman to be quite a dear friend, who has shared many a adventure, moments of sadness as well as joy. However she didn't know about a certain rocky dark period within my past.
I am not trying to be cryptic in mentioning it this way, but rather it is intensely personal and I don't wish to share in such a public manner at this time.

What it showed me though is as close as we can be, there are things we might not want to share.
We have so many facets of ourselves, that sometimes we forget that someone hasn't seen a certain side to us. The beauty of a good friendship is that eventually that other person does get to see the complete beauty that is you.
I am well aware of my flaws and am learning to embrace them. The events that I experience make me the person I am today and will become in the future. I should strive to be as amazing as I am told I am by my lovely friends. I should want the best for myself as much as I do for those I care about.

proud

2009-07-30T19:34:00.001-07:00

When I was little all I wanted in life was to tag along after my big brother. He seemed so much bigger, stronger, smarter and fearless than me when we were small. There is almost 3 years between us and to be truthful it wasn't until we were both out of school and on our way into adulthood before we became friends. We have made up for that in recent years and I count him among those that would be there as quick as they could if I needed them.

He and I have both had a rough time this past 12 months or so. He moved away to live with his girlfriend an the job situation has been less than ideal.

The situation with his GF turned into a bad one on many levels, but I have to say I am exceptionally proud of the man he has become.

He stood by her through some serious issues, in spite of the fact that they personally were not in as good of a place as they had been. Then he had the strength and self confidence to leave when it was apparent it would not work. So, I applaud him for being a good man who knows when to give the help that is needed, but also when it is the right time to walk away.

I love you brother of mine.

more of the same

2009-07-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

I feel like of late I have written quite a lot about life and friendships.

The reason is of course that my life, as is the case of many of my friends has been a bit rough in the past year.

What has come out of it is that I have gained some perspective on

what I want from my life.

I first and foremost want to be happy.

This will take me making some changes to a few portions of my life. I live in an amazing place. I have a cute house of perfect size for me, but slightly over run with too much in the way of personal belongings.To put it in perspective people pay for a weekend here what I pay to live in my house for a month!

On the job front I am not working enough to challenge myself or to get ahead.

So, I am looking to find a job that I can enjoy and make enough to slowly

get back to a "happy" financial place.

Next in order of importance is having people in my life who want to be there. In the past 3 months I have had two friends that were dear to me stop communicating to me due to what is going on in their lives. While I understand needing space, when you talk to other friends and include them within your life, but not me it does hurt. I am not by any means saying I am the best friend in the world, but I feel that if people are important to you then you need to let them know.

All in all for me it comes back to two things:

Treat others as you would have them do to you.

Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you will be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

So,I am making the changes that will make me a happier person. In doing so I may find even more to appreciate in life!

trying...

2009-07-25T08:18:00.000-07:00

So, I am trying to understand what is going on, but it is hard when I am not a part of your life.

What would you think if you were me.

Seeing pictures that tell conflicting stories.

Not getting to talk to you. Not even being a part of your life while so much is going on. You would think things also. You would wonder.

Perhaps not, after all everyone has opinions, maybe I am reading too much or too little into it. All I know is there is a little piece of my heart that has been beat up in past months. There is a person who I normally would just pick up the phone and call, but I am no longer sure if my voice is a welcome one.

Sad, but true.

I look around me and there are pictures of us and fun times together. Items that came from you. You are so ingrained in my life that it is impossible to have you be gone from it forever, yet you are missing. I am lost as to where to go from here. How hard to try anymore. I feel as if the next action is yours. You were the one who choose to leave my circle, it is your choice on if you want to come back in...

being a grownup is over rated

2009-07-19T19:14:00.000-07:00

When you are little all you want is to be an adult. There are so many things you want to do and so many places you want to go. We want to be able to drive, to drink, live on your own. The rules that our parents and society place upon us seem so stifling in our youth. Then you get to be an adult and realize that there is a whole lot of responsibility that comes along with the freedom. To drive you have to have money for the car, insurance and gas. Drinking can be fun, but there is also things to think of such as driving under the influence or impaired dating judgement. Living on your own is great, but there are so many small costs you never think of when you go to move out for the first time. Rent, gas, electricity, water, trash, food, cable, phone...and on and on.

Aside from all of these things our friendships were much simpler when we were little.

They are based on what toys you both liked, the street on which you lived, your parents being friends or a shared love of hopscotch. As an adult you juggle your own personal duties of life with the bonds of friendship you form. Lives turn into different directions as we grow older. We go to school, date, get married, have children and slowly evolve into different people. If you are lucky your friendships can survive this and grow into something deeper and even better than it had been. In other cases time slowly shows you how little you had in common in the first place.

I have friends I have known since we were barely out of diapers and ones I have met in the past year. The ones that are closest to my heart are ones that have made as much effort with me as I have with them. They can tell by the sound of my voice when I leave a message if they should call me back immediately. They are the kind of friends that will call you to repeat a stupid joke or think of you when they see something you might like.

It is not the length of the friendship, but rather the depth.

Thanks to my girls that are in my life...I love you!

and now we wait...

2009-07-16T18:29:00.000-07:00

Saw a nurse practitioner today that I must say rocked! Made the visit as painless as she could & listened to my concerns and questions. Nice to know that what I am worried about is indeed not a normal thing. Getting a few tests run tomorrow (liver function, thyroid & glucose) to see if we can figure things out. Also on a health plan that covers all but one of the tests (thanks state of CA) as I am so poor due to my lay off of last December. I feel so much better for getting some information already and talking to someone who seems concerned enough to work with me on it.
Bonus too in that the office is right next to a great whole foods type of market, lots of yummy healthy stuff. Now off to grab a bite as I need to fast for 12 hours before these tests & I plan on doing them asap tomorrow am!

oh I have worries...

2009-07-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

I have an appointment tomorrow with the doctor to see if the stuff going on with my body is anything to really worry about. The problem with the information age is that you can look up your symptoms on webmd and get more scared by what you see then to be reassured. In my case it could be anything from simple stomach cramps due to food irritations or up to the big C, cancer. Now, just to be clear I don't think I have cancer ( knocking on wood here ) but the idea of it being anything serious scares me on many levels. The main reason being that I have no health insurance due to my job situation. It is the first time in about 7 years that this has been a factor. Then there is just the basic fear of the unknown. I actually am looking forward to this visit as it will give me answers. So, tonight I will watch season 2 of Secret Diary of a Call Girl. I have a small girl crush on Billie Piper...plus this season has Callum Blue (of Dead Like Me fame) who is H~O~T. Great mindless, fun to watch TV, just what I need.